Winter

It's amazing the weight a tree branch can hold. It's almost like a person. How much can a person take before he or she snaps? Different degrees of snappage have colored my year. Surviving and fighting for my life when it seemed that giving in to losing it was easier. I thought it would be easy to starve to death and die but it wasn't. Something or someone would just not let me go.

When the scale started dropping below the 130's I felt like a skinny misshapen tree or a leaf blowing in the wind. I kept wondering how many attacks I could weather before I just fell over and stopped breathing. My friends and family were unable to help. I had to do it myself. I kept hearing the voice but it was very soft. It was the voice of Cloud pop. He had faced suicidal depression and quit smokes, booze and anti-depressants all at once four years ago. Then he found The Secret. The Power of Now. The Four Agreements. He tried to teach me but my mind kept going and going. I reacted emotionally as is my wont. I was nowhere near enlightenment. Not even close.

So he taught me to be in the moment through sex. He did a good job there. Trubble is he did SUCH a good job that I can't be with anyone else. Nor do I want to be. The ecstatic place he brought me was never before experienced. Both at the same time for hours never stopping it going on like one large "O" stretched out like a rubber band as far as it could go and then never snapping.

He was a great teacheer. Now I cannot be with a Lazy Lover. Many men are. They expect the woman to do all the work insetad of Making Love together. Cloud Pop taught me the true meaning of making love. I had a lover Rick after my divorce who also was an A #1 lover(usually in the morning when he was sober)....lol. Bu then sometimes at night he surprised me. We had that "click". Felt like I could be totally myself with him and it was fine. He's a musician. Works days at a restaurant as a manager and night at gigs or open mikes. Drinks and smokes daily.

I keep away from all that jazz. It sucks me in and permits me to drink. I have to be hard on myself now and keep sober. My friends and family are counting on me.

Off to work cleaning-cleaning today..............

Just reflecting....

Tsunami