I haven't blogged in awhile as I have been very ill, suicidally depressed, in and out of the ER and hospital with an illness medicine cannot treat...in and out of the garbage pail of my mind..on and off of the pity pot because of the intense pain and frustration with medicine for a cure...isolating..losing both my pets due to allergy....losing all I own due to illness and losing all my confidence and self-esteem....in a great degree of dental pain with no money for work to be done...just a few fillings......cried about losing my dog after finding a home for my cat w/a man and his little girl...have been cleaning everything and selling all and doing so is causing my symptoms to flare off the charts....what would you do? My car is on the road intolerable because of my sensitivities...pet dander-mold... a friend now and then calls but most avoid me especially after my failed suicide attempt. Did I want to succeed? Yes I did. I have been ill since birth and the amount of time I really enjoyed my life was miniscule or I was drunk or on drugs. The rest of the time I was chronically ill physically and mentally. Abuse can do that and poor parenting and then tons of antibiotics when you needed antifungals. Food allergies undetected as a child. Went underground. Turned into an alcoholic to dull the pain of not feeling quite good enough. Pretty enough. Talented enough. Funny enough. So I took care of people. All my life. Rescued..fed...bought and sent presents...my gramma Helen did that too. A#1 rescuers.
Where did it get me? Poor...sick...exhausted and with hardly any help or friends due to the deterioration of my health year by year. Did I want to die? Yes. A life without my dog? What for? He was my reason for living. My best friend. Rich people can go to fancy clinics and allergists. I can't anymore. I can't drive myself anymore. I tried to swim the dam one last time but I only made it 3/4 of the way across when I always made it all the way. Thats not good enough for me. I will post some pictures of my pets who I grieve over today.
But in the hospital I met Mary and Diane. That was a good thing. Strong women who I came to love. I hope to see Diane as soon as I have a car. She was raped and got HIV. Talk about luck.
We played cards to pass the time. It was really nice. It helped w/anxiety and pain. I love you Diane and Mary. I also taught people what it was like to have MCS and have nobody know about it or have any chance at a cure. The hospital staff learned. I will keep fighting.
Shalom To All
Sunamizen
Fighting Cravings For A Drink To Drown The Pain
Inherited from the Meadows family vault of disgusting trivia.....
Is she?....I am pretty much staggering around trying to figure out how to move with no help at all and so many things in my home triggering me. I just turned on the heat for a test just in case and the baked smell of dust made me feel sick. I figured I better turn it on once with the door and windows open to see if I smell any gas and I don't but there is a combustion odor there and the dust. I think the fried dust alone will kill my dust allergies. I just wanted to be sure If I got stuck here I would have heat. I will have to hide in my room. Turn it off a lot. I am trying to get back into Fletcher Allen if they can order some neo-nate liquid preservative free valium for me to taper off of the ativan that is making me sick. I have to call the doc monday. Chances are they will say I'm fine and can't come back but I want to do the crossover and taper in a hospital. Oh boy my eyes are stinging now. Better rinse them. Bog twee down in the yard. Don't know who to call. Got no money. if it weren't for the medication I might. Frustrating not to be able to just stop a medicaine. I have never liked being out of control. My friend eric said he would come today and help and stay over but alas he is not answering his phone. Does this mean he changed his mind or is he on the way? The former. It is wet out and I had a ride for him at 9am but he didnt get the phone. The nausea stopped and I was able to eat after awhile. I hope this is not every morning. I am going to try 2mg ativan am and 2mg pm. Maybe it will hold over better. I'm afraid to try the liquid valium I compounded as I do believe it made me velly ill. It cost $40 so just wanted to be sure but better keep it just in case. I am looking at homes and condos in Syracuse as I have no help here and my dog is there. People say they will help here but often they don't show and even oftener strangers help the most. If noone comes I will mask up and get the vehicle down to Aldermans Subaru and just buy a frigging car. I need a car. No really good upbeat thoughts. tried a baking soda toothpaste in am just a drop but it has MSG in it so bewarer the ayem. There is no safe toothpaste so might as well get rid of teeth eh?Its a mold spore smelling day outside and i wish I was in AZ......
