I haven't blogged in awhile as I have been very ill, suicidally depressed, in and out of the ER and hospital with an illness medicine cannot treat...in and out of the garbage pail of my mind..on and off of the pity pot because of the intense pain and frustration with medicine for a cure...isolating..losing both my pets due to allergy....losing all I own due to illness and losing all my confidence and self-esteem....in a great degree of dental pain with no money for work to be done...just a few fillings......cried about losing my dog after finding a home for my cat w/a man and his little girl...have been cleaning everything and selling all and doing so is causing my symptoms to flare off the charts....what would you do? My car is on the road intolerable because of my sensitivities...pet dander-mold... a friend now and then calls but most avoid me especially after my failed suicide attempt. Did I want to succeed? Yes I did. I have been ill since birth and the amount of time I really enjoyed my life was miniscule or I was drunk or on drugs. The rest of the time I was chronically ill physically and mentally. Abuse can do that and poor parenting and then tons of antibiotics when you needed antifungals. Food allergies undetected as a child. Went underground. Turned into an alcoholic to dull the pain of not feeling quite good enough. Pretty enough. Talented enough. Funny enough. So I took care of people. All my life. Rescued..fed...bought and sent presents...my gramma Helen did that too. A#1 rescuers.
Where did it get me? Poor...sick...exhausted and with hardly any help or friends due to the deterioration of my health year by year. Did I want to die? Yes. A life without my dog? What for? He was my reason for living. My best friend. Rich people can go to fancy clinics and allergists. I can't anymore. I can't drive myself anymore. I tried to swim the dam one last time but I only made it 3/4 of the way across when I always made it all the way. Thats not good enough for me. I will post some pictures of my pets who I grieve over today.
But in the hospital I met Mary and Diane. That was a good thing. Strong women who I came to love. I hope to see Diane as soon as I have a car. She was raped and got HIV. Talk about luck.
We played cards to pass the time. It was really nice. It helped w/anxiety and pain. I love you Diane and Mary. I also taught people what it was like to have MCS and have nobody know about it or have any chance at a cure. The hospital staff learned. I will keep fighting.
Shalom To All
Sunamizen
Fighting Cravings For A Drink To Drown The Pain
2 comments:
hey lady, really glad you found the strength to go on. know first-hand how bad thngs can get, but as the song says, we'll get by with a little help from our friends. Thanks for being a friend...
Pain is a sign that things must change. The desire to escape pain without moving through it comes from fear of changing what must be changed. In my experience, the most profound change comes through surrender, usually on the level of ego.
Most women opt for drugs during childbirth, to ease the pain, and doctor even pushes the drugs to make the birth go "more smoothly" for HIM. They don't want unruly, strong-willed, empowered Goddesses giving birth in their hospitals, they want complacent, dumbed-down patients strapped to the table while they get it over with. I chose natural childbirth because i understand that pain is just another challenge of life that needs our full attention so that we can grow and let go of who we used to be.
People often don't realize that they have the choice to face the pain. This is because all around us, there are convenient escape hatches: alcohol, drugs, sex, painkillers, diversions, denial, focusing our attention on others instead of healing ourselves...walk down any aisle of the grocery store and find a myriad of ways that we can cover up the truth about our humanity: deodorant sprays, mouthwash, analgesics, fabric softeners, hair color, makeup, endless LIES! I think there is a reason you are allergic to all this stuff, it's because this time around, you are here to face the Truth and get down to the real essence of your soul. There is nowhere to hide anymore, here you are, raw, naked, stripped down to who you really are without your vices.
I love you and am proud of you for how far you've come. You made it 3/4 of the way across the dam and that's further than i could swim without exhaustion. Why is it so important to make it all the way across? Focus on each stroke along the way, and love yourself for being able to lift each arm and kick each leg. Some people can't even do that. You are blessed. Remember that.
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