Quiet Night And Scope

Love
Sun Quincunx Mercury
Mar 1, 2008 to Mar 3, 2008

For some reason, you just don't feel the way you used to feel, and you have a strong suspicion that they don't, either. What to do? Follow your gut.

I Will For A Change
Trip To Boston May Be Postponed Due To Snowfall.
It hasn't started yet.
But I Know It Will
One Windshield Wiper Chick

HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE.....JEAN PAUL SARTRE

The Joy That Can Come To An Open Heart Is Unlimited

From "An Open Heart":

"I had nothing to do with this gift coming to me, so my gratitude is beyond description. It did not take me back to the person I was before drinking.… It gave me a new life—rather, life itself, because I had attempted suicide and had been hospitalized in private and state mental hospitals. It must have been spiritual; it was neither intellectual nor physical, that’s for sure. I believe it was God as I understand Him, working through the love and understanding available in A.A. May I keep my heart open. The joy which can come to an open heart is unlimited.--New York, New York, USA"

Just Cleaning Paying Off Debt

Nothing new to report except a 4 day stretch of insomnia remedied by dbl zyprexa. The get fat drug.
The events of the week trouble my mind. Victor got a tax refund of $1400. Good for him as it was owed to him. I am joining Oprahs online class on The New Earth starting March 4 by going to www.oprah.com. I am weary of life sucking so maybe it will help. My friend up north sent a nice email for the wake up call. It hurts me to hurt him. I'm eating like a pig as my rommate looks on and I eat because of the pain. Trying to fill that void where love should be. Friday I will take Victor to cash his check.
Boy would I love to buy drums but he needs to save that money. Maybe a percussion thingie.
Going to watch TV and veg out. I helped Carol clean NC today and also yesterday. My soul is crispy after my weekend dilemma but my therapist says I need to stay away from Drunks and focus on my life. She's right. I like to drink too much to be around people who drink heavily. Its bad for me in so many ways. The bad times outweigh the good times and I put up with so much due to my childhood abuse. It makes me sick when I make bad judgement calls. The others say when I arrived in Randolph I should have turned around and went home after seeing my friends condition.
Oh Marjorie Thompson was on Oprah today a great singer songwriter guitarist I tried to book who I love. Highpoint of my day.
Good Night-
Tsunami

Love, Trust And Respect

Without all these you cannot have a relationship with anyone.
I recently had another falling out with a man I love but don't trust and respect.
I picked him up at his home to spend some time and he was already quite "buzzed" on alcohol and cocky as hell. My tummy told me to go back home at that point but I didn't listen.
Then as we drove down the road his son was walking and I was forced to stop as his dad hurled the childs belongings at him-his DVD and his drum. It was heart breaking. I did not want to be a part of that. Then after shopping til 8pm the dad forced me to drive back into the dark, icy woods and go to a home where his son was staying as he hates his dad. To give them money to feed the boy. I did NOT want to do this. I was given NO CHOICE and I was starting to feel very unhappy. After dropping the money and getting a video I did not choose we made it to my home for dinner I made and drinking. Partying. Kissing. The next morning feeling like hell he started his day w/a strong bloody mary and a beer. I had coffee and breakfast. The drinks flowed and I received two phone calls from other men friends. As I was taking one and washing dishes my friend started acting really weird and jealous demanding hugs and attention when I was on the phone. It got worse. This man turned into needy man asking that I take care of him in a sexual way after I knew he had been with a strange woman the week before. I was not going to touch him. I dont go with anyone who hasn't been tested after a one niter. Things got worse as he demanded attention like a little child. It only made me run. I blew up at him finally and threw him out. To hitchhike home. But he wouldnt do that so evidently he called the police. They called me and asked me what was going on. I told them I had thrown him out as he was too drunk and upsetting. They asked me if I wanted a protection order as they breathalized him and he was way over the limit and they were having him stay overnight at Grace house a detox center. In the heat of the moment I said yes. I was going to drive him home or pay for a cab but it was $100 and I dont have that kind of money. He should have just hitchhiked home. Instead he ended up at the police barracks. I was distraught and did not sleep. Apparently he made it home as I got several emails from him. This man I have tried to love but he is crude and full of drama and becomes a monster with too much drink. He then brings out the monster in me. I cannot have a relationship with a man I don't trust and respect. The last week he fed his son tequila and he puked all over. Go figure. Then he went to Boston with a loser man who stole from him and tried to molest him(he said). His life is full of drama. He doesn't see that he is causing all this drama by drinking. He is blind. I feel so sad inside about him. I pity and love him but his behavior can be horrid. He does so many kind things but then he changes with too much drink. Me I pass out or have a blackout. I hope he is okay. I am mailing him his belongings that he left here. As soon as I have some money. Alcohol does funny things to some people. He barely eats now as his alcoholism makes him drink instead. I served a beautiful dinner and he would not get up and eat. He had done this another time. He lacks respect. Manners. I am heading to therapy to dissect this. Then to help a friend clean who broke her toe. I feel sad inside. My friend Mikes dad died and he is sad. Its a very sad day.
Tsunami

I'm Finally Ready

Just Let Go
Sun Quincunx Venus
Feb 25, 2008 to Feb 27, 2008

Every so often, the universe makes it extremely clear that it's time to make some changes. This is your official notice. If your feelings for a certain someone have shifted and there's no denying it any longer, stop ignoring the elephant in the room. Be brave. Do the right thing.

I love you Michael Sylvia,
See you soon! March 1 starts my physical cleanse.
Love Sunami

The Starz Know All

Trust Your Gut
Feb 15, 2008 to Feb 23, 2008

That vaguely disquieting feeling? The one that's all but shouting that there's something pretty important and maybe not-so-pleasant just around the corner? Don't dismiss it just yet. First, figure out what you've left undone -- what's out there that could come back and bite you, that is -- and finish it.

I need to confront IT first and seeing how it's a person I will allow it to come to me.
After all I didn't eggzactly ask it to leave for ever but just for a few weeks.
So I could get my feet underneath me. But IT ran screaming from the room so as I said before it will manifest when it is time......
Tsunami

Bring Me Back Buddha

Janis Joplin

Dr Phil's Suggestions On Overcoming Alcohol Addiction

I am an alcoholic. I can have two glasses of wine some nights but with other drinkers I can have 5 drinks and a blackout. I choose who I hang out with because i want permission to drink. So I don't hang out with sober folks.

Seven Steps

Most people make resolutions at the beginning of the year, only to break them before the month is over. Whether you want to stop drinking, quit smoking, gambling or simply spend less time on the computer, Dr. Phil has advice.

1) Acknowledge the purpose.Why do you do it? You have to be able to answer that question. Is it to help you deal with anxiety and stress? It may be hard for you to admit that you have a drinking or smoking habit, but you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Dr. Phil says, "What purpose does the behavior serve for you? If you're an alcoholic, you're not just drinking because you're thirsty. Admit to yourself: 'I'm medicating myself for anxiety, depression and pain. It numbs me to life.'"

2) Think rational thoughts instead of denial. You understand at a conscious level, at an intellectual level that your addiction is unhealthy, yet you continue and this perplexes you. Dr. Phil points out, "If you're in denial about it, if you're minimizing it, if you're trivializing it, if you're conning yourself about it, then you'll never get where you need to be." If you can't get through the day without a shot of vodka, you may be medicating yourself for anxiety, depression or pain. You may need to count on others to help you think rationally.

3) Use alternative coping skills. People don't break bad habits; they replace them with new ones. Recognize that you get a reward from smoking or drinking. Dr. Phil explains, "It calms you. It takes your anxiety away. It lifts your spirits. It numbs you to the pain of your life. If I take that away from you and then don't put anything in its place, then you're just there stripped of your coping mechanisms and you're going to go back to what you were doing before." Some alternative techniques to consider to replace your addiction are breathing exercises or relaxation techniques. Dr. Frank Lawlis, a mentor and former professor of Dr. Phil's, has a series of relaxation CDs that help shift the way you react to any type of stressful circumstance in your life. You have the ability to quiet yourself. You have the ability to reduce stress levels in your body in a healthier way than smoking, drinking or whatever your addiction does for you now.

4) Identify your danger zones.A danger zone can be a particular time of day or your reaction to a particular circumstance. There are times that you're more prone to indulge in your habit than others. Recognize what those times are, and do something that is incompatible with the addiction you're trying to break. For example, if you have the urge to light up during your 3 p.m. break at work, take that time to do your breathing or relaxation exercises instead. Dr. Phil encourages, "If you get through that two or three moments of impulse, I promise you it will go away." You don't have to be strong and powerful all day long every day. You just need to recognize your danger zones, and do something incompatible with your addiction.

5) Make lifestyle changes."It's not willpower, it's programming," Dr. Phil says. You have to set your life up for success if you're going to break your addiction. If you're trying to stop smoking or drinking, try simple things like not carrying money for cigarette vending machines or cleaning your cupboards of alcoholic beverages. You may have to change the places you frequent, what you do for fun and whom you hang out with. If you are a computer junkie, remove the computer from your house. The best way to stop an addiction is to not have access to it.

6) Be accountable and have a support system.Being accountable to someone means that that person will not only support you, but will give you the kick in the rear that you need when it gets tough and tell you the truth when you're kidding yourself. Get your family and friends involved in your efforts to kick the habit. If you're a smoker, print out these cards from Dr. Phil that warn your friends to refrain from indulging you. You can also find addiction support on the message boards at DrPhil.com. You need to find a community that supports you during this time and embraces your decision to be healthier. You may also need to seek treatment or check into a rehabilitative program.

7) Reward yourself. Overcoming an addiction can be very difficult, but it can be done. When you see yourself making progress, even baby steps, you have to motivate yourself to keep going. Give yourself credit. Reward yourself for every step you make, starting with admitting that you have a problem and asking for help.

For more info visit DrPhil.com
http://drphil.com/articles/article/173

Thaw Out In Tucson

I'm Goin' Already......

THE ULTIMATE TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE IS NOT I AM THIS OR I AM THAT, BUT I AM.

IF SOMEONE TAKES YOUR SHIRT GIVE HIM YOUR COAT AS WELL....JESUS

Love Your Enemies

A.K.A. Have None

Year Of The Earth Rat-Feb. 6

On February 6, 2008 the Year of the Earth Rat begins as the year of the Fire Pig ends. The Pig is the last sign in the Chinese Zodiac and the Rat is the first sign. Therefore we are fast approaching the end of one 12 year Chinese Zodiac cycle and the beginning of another one. If you are looking for closure, now is the time in the last few days of the year of the Fire Pig. If you are looking for a new beginning, a fresh start approaches with the year of the Earth Rat.

Is it not possible to attract only positive conditions into our life?

If our attitudes and our thinking are always positive, we would manifest only positive events and situations, wouldn't we?

Do you truly know what is positive and what is negative? Do you have the total picture? There have been many people for whom limitation, failure, loss, illness, or pain in whatever form turned out to be their greatest picture. It taught them to let go of false self-images and superficial ego-dictated goals and desires. It gave them depth, humility, and compassion. It made them more real.

Whenever anything negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it, although you may not see it at the time. Even a brief illness or an accident can show you what is real and unreal in your life, what ultimately matters and what doesn't.

Today Is A Beautiful Warm Day

I am heading for a hike with my dog and then to go grocery shopping with Victor. He needs to get out once in awhile. Since I hurt my hip he can help with bags. To the readers of my blog, if you don't like what you are reading perhaps you should NOT read my blog. I don't know why you are so interested in reading it if it disturbs you. My blog is the place I vent frustration and anger and teach myself and my readers about alcoholism and spirituality. I am not yet as enlightened as i want to be but I am on the way. Perhaps you should read The Power Of Now.
I am teaching myself a lot from that book and one is not to react but to observe my reaction instead and diffuse it into enjoyable things like hiking. My big friend and I have had some turbulence of late but he has been under a lot of stress at home. So I forgive him because forgiveness is the only route to take. Love is the answer. We all make our own beds.
Carrying grudges and resentments is the suree path to illness and disease. Both internally and externally. Cancer feeds on negativity.
Sunamizen

Handy Tips On Gasoline Pumping

TIPS ON PUMPING GAS (Good information)

I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon..
Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose , CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.

Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

When you're filling up do NOT squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money. One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.

Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount. Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.

You See Two Fishies Right????

The Power Of NO!

A book I'm working on........

The energy form that lies behind hostility and attack finds the presence of love absolutely intolerable. Like garlic to a vampire. If you react to your partner's unconsciousness you become unconscious yourself. But if you then remember to KNOW your reaction, nothing is lost...........Eckhart Tolle 'n me.

It's Time For A New Perspective

You Can't Lose Value.....

If You Already Have It.
Nobody can take it away.
You teach people how to treat you.
By continuing to choose dysfunctional men over and over you perpetuate the cycle.
Be alone and find out who you are are what YOU want....
Don't try to make yourself into what a man wants.
Me

An Alcoholic is.....

An Egomaniac With An Inferiority Complex.
The drinking alcoholic believes that he is the center of the universe and the rest of the world revolves around him. At the same time, he has no confidence and lives in fear. In sobriety the alcoholic joins the human race and becomes a participant in life.

On Drinking

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
We drank for strength and felt weak.
We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for bravery and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make conversation easier and slurred our speech.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We drank to forget and were forever haunted.
We drank for freedom and became slaves.
We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to cope with life and invited death
Anonymous Author

When Drinking

We are unable to respond in a manner other than one of self-seeking. We exist on a steady diet of worry and conflict. Life consists of extended periods of loneliness and separateness. Despair. No purpose or direction.

Love Yourself

This will lead to not hating others

People Pleasing

To cover up feelings of inferiority

Self-Hatred

Striking out at others to cover up feelings of inadequacy

Games Alcoholics Play

What I am reading today. Here are some reviews:

This Book: My Life-preserver, October 26, 2005
I first read this book 25 years ago when I was entangled in my family of "executive drinkers"- -and found that I was repeatedly dating and working with alcoholics.The theory of the origins of alcoholism may or may not be accurate. What saved my life was reading the scripts. They describe the behavior of the alcoholic, those around her/him, and the inevitable results of denial.I saw myself, my family, my whole lifestyle. I saw the danger that I was in . . . .and I acted.I changed my location, my profession, and recreation preferences.Recalling the scripts in this book have kept me from again becoming entangled with destructive people. I have had a happy and productive life ever since.I can't recommend this book enough

Cuts to the chase, September 2, 2005
An AA friend loaned me this book about 20 years ago. It made me aware of all the excuses I made for wanting to drink. I heard all of that mumbo jumbo about Alcoholism being a disease but I never bought into it and I'm glad I didn't because that would be all the excuse I would need to keep drinking until I died. Steiner's other book, Life Scripts was a life saver also. After reading that book it didn't take me long to realize the script I had been acting out most of my life, that started when I was an infant taking the drug, paregoric, that contains opium and alcohol, that set me up for my addiction later. Even when I was young I was some what intoxicated because I was consuming excessive amounts of sugar, trying to recreate the feeling I got from the paregoric and the human body makes alcohol from sugar and fat. Then I got my first beer when I was 17 and I was off and running. The script was being played out again and I repeated it constantly until I discovered that I was acting out. Another book not mentioned here is Choices.

The first ninety-nine pages are an introduction into Transactional Analysis. I thought, at first, that this was excessive, but the payoff is in really understanding the different types of alcoholics and how they manipulate others around them. This book is excellent for the person dealing with an alcoholic in their own family and trying to understand and deal with the damage that person has done to the family.

It was impressive, September 2, 1999
I liked how the author approached Alcoholism as a choice and not a disease. He approached the matter with the idea that alcoholics have responsiblities. They are responsible for their own actions. It shed new light for me on alcoholism

A Nice Thought

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in business affairs as the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is, many persons strive for high ideals and the world is full of heroism. Be yourself and especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrender the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and lonliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars, you have a right to be here. Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Be at peace with your God and whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful and strive to be happy.

My Friend Joy Is Dying

Written by Matt Prebluda
Joy
Joy, the love of my life is dying. We split up a year ago November. We were to be married on July 7th last summer. 07/07/07. Kind of corny, but Joy was. I loved that.
Joy has suffered from Bechet's syndrome since she was in her 20's. She's 46 now. She's been completely blind for nine years now.
We were complete opposites. She, although very intelligent , was quite unsophisticated. Tough, street wise, into eighties hair rock, Italian, Catholic, poor, etc.
We met in Utica at a pub. My favorite band, the Asylum Spankers were playing. She had heard of them on the Bob and Tom Show, a sophomoric shock rock morning show that featured some of their more vulgar, but clever songs.
Me, who had at the time had never picked up a woman at a bar in my life, sat next to her and started talking to her. As usual, "dead from the neck up", did not realize she was blind for several minutes.
It was love at the first sight for both of us. We spent the night together. She moved in with me later that year in Vermont.
Joy 's health is deteriorating fast. I still admire her strength and determination. In the past month she has lost most of her circle of support, victims of suicide, drug abuse, leaving, and not caring.
We talk almost every night these days. Actually I mostly listen.
I will miss her. I hurt very much.
I Love you Joy.

I met Joy withe her seeing eye dog and it was also love at first sight. We clicked, both having disabilities. Mine was flaring, hers was calmer as she was in love with Matt. They were very happy but their differences got in the way of Love. How sad because now she has noone. She is in Utica NY and he in Boston. I will get her number and call her everyday too. FRIENDS are what is important. Friends in need.
I love you Joy Very Much.
Suzie