What's it all about? Re-establishing balance....sanity? Mebbe. Grieving over losses. Accepting my body's apparent limitations...regretfully. I thought I could Do-It-All. 24-7. Non-stop. Fever pitch pace. I was raised that way. You were lazy if you weren't doing sumptin'. Really fast..of course. Sorting through belongings and donating to others and selling what I can. Why do I give stuff to people? I don't know because they need it and I want them to have it. I am feeling thet Less IS More. Do I give them things so they will love me a little? Maybe. I'm a gifter.

Tossing chemical crap. No more makeup. Humbling myself before God who seems to have hit me with a lightening bolt. Many times...yes. Did I listen...um--no? Is that the right answer? They all are. Am I shaky? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Am I lonely? Yes. Am I scared..oh-yeah. Am I alone? Aren't we all? Really. Wherever you iz...there you are. If you have someone that lubbs you..does it help? Of course. Have I confused lust and physical closeness and sex with love? Maybe. Haven't we all? Do I miss the loving? Yes badly. Do I need it to BE? No. As I sort and hang pictures and re-align with me and listen to music that makes me cry..I feel a healing starting to occur. A sort of re-balancing of my inner vortex. I have had to ask for help from friends and boy is that humiliating for me. I have always done it all. Supermama. I also am so damn IMPATIENT like my family. My mom is like that....when she wants something done..man.

The neighbor picks on me if I don't keep up with the garden. He doesn't know how I am feeling as I look okay(Invisible Illness)....25lbs less of course. 132. A reed of a girl. He is 85 and is up at 4am and out in the yard. Working the gardens I always did. Does it hurt? Oh My God..talk about pain. Am I frozen inside. Yes very much so. Fear. Am I angry? Yes sirree bob but it is lessening and the tears are coming. The Big Thaw. My best friend Carol has found her soulmate. I miss her. She has a new best friend. With a penis ta boot. Lucky girl. Lovemaking can heal. I know this. I like Steve..he is great. I'm very happy for them. They have a home on lake Champlain now and 2 campers..2 vehicles...money..stuff...love....friendship....security. Do I feel secure? No. Not at all. But I know that I can do this. This new life. Do I have a choice? No. Not at all. Is that what is bothering me? Yes I MIGHT be a control freak. Putting a harness on me is not an easy job. I'm a stubborn old coot. So anyways I am here.
What is left of this strong woman who has battled illness her whole life?
Her soul. Her sweetness. Her achy breaky heart. Her shaky quaky body.
Sunami-je

"You have not lived a perfect day unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you."