Have You Had Enough Yet?

I remember what it was like to have the freedom to do or eat anything I wanted and not get hit over the head repeatedly afterward. It seems to me lately that I recover from one "spell" only to fall right into the arms of another "waiting in the shadows". It's not like I know the face of the enemy....because each time it is a different one. I need to try to learn to calm myself with this branded forehead fear that rattles my entire being every day until I sleep and pray I don't wake up ill again. I have noticed that when I am loved by a special person and in love the endorphins seem to stop these fears and attacks although if i do eat the wrong thing or breathe the wrong thing I do get sick. The distraction of being loved seems to take the edge off the fear and allows me to live in the moment. The touch of a human that cares about me massaging my sore muscles. The help around the home and companionship taking the pressure off me for a bit as I am overwhelmed by the work that needs to be done here that sits undone. I used to do it all. No help at all. Now, I am afraid. I am reading so much about how to get well that I am confused as there are so many differing opinions and protocols and they are all costly. Somedays I just want to forget about it and pretend it's not there. The elephant in the living room.
They say there really is no cure for Lyme that they know of...it's a crap shoot when they use multiple courses of strong antibiotics. If a patient gets well they have no clue what did it or what bug it was. Since I can't take antibiotics I'm basically fucked. Then antibiotics destroy the immune system so maybe I'm not...so more herbs on the way as I sell everything I own to pay for them.....try to keep positive in a sea of uncertainty....
I really need a hug.....(listen to what I'm not saying...lol)
Sunami Former Athlete Down For The Count Zen