Recovery From Codependence

Integration........
" I now see that what happened to me as a child has created who I am. I'm grateful because I see how the problems created by the abuse have in turn created my spiritual path and given me some depth of character and wisdom."

Five Steps To Recovery From Codependence After Dropping Addictions:
1. Growing Up-learning how to have self-esteem,(not other-esteem from things), boundaries, a sense of self(separate from a lover), self-care and moderation. Stop impulsive reactive behavior. Think first.

2. Facing Reality-Own your own reality. Take a look at who you are and who others are. No entering or re-entering a relationship here...you may look at your partner and say "Let me out of here"..(which I did)...as your first response may be to break away (which I did), after doing further recovery work esp increased maturity, boundaries, self-care..your partners flaws may not seem so devastating. Some of us are Love Addicts..the dominant attitude is expecting warm personal regard and caretaking from someone all of the time. It is realistic for a child but not for an adult. You may get it some of the time if fortunate, this usually happens when your genuine self is also who your partner wants you to be. It also happens when your value systems coincide and therefore your partner is comfortable and you are not diminished. In recovery you no longer reshape or recolor your reality to "get the approval or warm regard." You must also accept the fact that other people may not give you "warm regard" if your way of being or doing something conflicts with their values of how they want you to be. You must keep your healthy boundaries of who you are and know that you must go on being who you are(doing the best you can), giving up the unrealistic expectation that the other person will like everything about you.

3. Grieving Losses-Having feelings about what you lost in childhood and what the disease has cost you in adulthood. Grieve. You may be able to re-enter your relationship after this...if you have grieved sufficiently.

4. Learn to Reparent Yourself-Work on the symptom:difficulty meeting your own needs and wants. Putting others needs before you has always been your way, right? You would drop dead for other people and you almost have! People-pleasing. Helping others. learn how to AFFIRM YOURSELF(speak-up for your needs instead of being a doormat)..I make a very pretty doormat--Nurture Yourself...Limit yourself without shaming yourself.

5. Learn To Forgive-Forgiveness means giving up the desire to have abusive people in your life sufficiently punished. Forgive yourself for the costs of the disorder and your caregivers. Some abuse is so terrible that forgiveness should not be broached unless the victim can bring it up. If you have been the abuser, work on self-forgiveness and forgiveness from your higher power first. Asking the victim for forgiveness needs to wait until that person brings it up. When dealing with severe abuse situations, an offender's PREMATURE request for the victim's forgiveness may only aggravate the victim's situation so that the offender can feel better.

The MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in your life who can give you consistent warm personal regard is YOURSELF!!! You focus on generating it from within and be responsible for your own wants and needs....be your authentic self...with greater assurance that your wants and needs will be met, even if other people withdraw their support. Then you can begin to move away from attempting to enmesh with your partner and learn healthy intimacy. Don't beat yourself up if you voice you NEEDS and another doesn't like it....I do this....if they don't accept the extra work...or your needs...still feel comfortable with your assertion(choice) and hold YOURSELF in warm personal regard.

Another recovery area is to STOP regarding any other person as all-important, all-powerful, and perfect--or a higher power. I have done this with my ex. All people are "Perfectly Imperfect"..OMG that is the title of a song I wrote in rehab....and are of EQUAL VALUE.
The next recovery is realizing that "nobody else is responsible for taking care of you"..not a parent, a lover or a child. As adults we are each responsible for seeing that our own needs and wants are being met. Healthy self-care and full responsibility to self are key.

Another post will deal with Avoidance Adicts like my ex who do not readily share intimate details about their thoughts, feelings, needs or wants, for fear that the other person will USE this information to manipulate or control them into caretaking. Many have lost touch with their own reality and until they develop healthy boundarie they may find that receiving someone elses reality is LESS TOXIC. With healthy boundaries the recovering person does not get overwhelmed or controlled by the reality of the other person and let it trigger irrational fears or obsessive thoughts. When dealing with a "major offender" like my ex, healthy boundaries usually do not provicde enough protection and they use WALLS...OMG I get it now. I was a Love Addict and he was an Avoidance Addict. Doomed to fail with no self-work on both parts.
AA's need to make adjustments regarding being adored. Many AA's believe that a needy, dependent person is a SAFE person who can be CONTROLLED. (Try controlling ME..lol).
Such a needy person can drain a partner and that is NOT safe. My illness made me needy but not dependent. My ex ran when he realized I NEEDED HELP at the time and I took it personally (well who wouldnt?)...I thought that if you loved someone you would stick by them and help them get well....so ILLNESS is a questionable area of neediness for me...I did not CHOOSE to become ILL...it just happened....being abandoned at that time because I was ILL crushed me but of course, it has made me stronger and wiser.

Learn to accept another's value system. My ex wanted to change me to "belive in what he did" so that we could be together...and I just didn't AGREE with everything...but I still loved him. I didn't think it was right to demand that another believe what you did to keep their love. It felt like being guilty of not being true to myself if I complied ( but at this time I was unsure who was right)...or disruption within the relationship if I refused. It was a stalemate that led to our dissolution. I did not understand his beliefs as they were quite eccentric so I appeared critical and judgemental to him. For that I am sorry and guilty. I wanted him to change into what I needed...he was way too old to change. I had to accept him as he was or say goodbye. I said goodbye. Do I regret it? Somedays I do becauses I miss the love but all-in-all until I got sober and well I could not be a GOOD PARTNER to anyone so I did it for ME and I did it for HIM.....
Self-sacrifice.....is a good thing sometimes......in lieu of self-preservation.
Enough for today.....I never "expected" anyone to take care of me just be there emotionally and physically and not run when the going got rough...but I can EXPECT nothing from another person because If I do...I will be disappointed..this I have learned from experience.
Love
Sunamizen Grows Up