Many of us carry around HUGE burdens of pain and guilt for years without realizing or acknowledging it. Today I remembered my best friend Jeff(Noker in Dutch) who was Dutch-Indonesian and a great friend for many years. Through thick and thin...we hung out as friends then lovers then back to friends when he got married because again "I could not make up my mind" or as Gramma would say "Shit or get off the pot...Hungarian Wisdom" and was in love with another man (we were a trio of friends) and this man NEVER loved me quite like I loved him but then I am a Love Addict and a codependent (who knew then?). Anyhoo Jeffrey fell from the sky May 20 about 13 years ago and when I got the call I think I basically went crazy with grief and shock. Lost my mind. Dove into the booze and drugs for quite some time. Got really fat. Got sick. Very sick. Went to the funeral to stand with his parents as a greeter NUMB as hell..shaking all over...clinging to their love. They loved me as a daughter..as far as THE WIFE...there was no connection. I hate to judge but she was COLD, BITCHY, NEVER HAPPY, NOTHING WAS EVER ENOUGH, MEAN-SPIRITED, FROM WEALTH...SNOBBY. She put up with my presence in Jeffs life but we did not LIKE each other. Before he died, we talked and wrote...he was very unhappy...I wrote about private things a few times and he kept the letters in his locker at work. Once I had gotten pregnant before they were married and was not sure if it was his as I had also been with another..frisky, alcoholic years. That was the one time we had slept together on my sofa just before he married and it was MEMORABLE as it was the first time in years and he had become "A MAN"..before he had been like a teenager...not very skilled...this time WE CLICKED....as he was heading into the arms of another...I kept quiet.
The wedding was planned. I did not attend..I could not. I made some lame excuse.
Anyway after he dies, she reads the letters. It was horrible. She had two young babies..an infant and a 2 year old. He had wanted an IRA started for me from his work money..she had been thinking of giving me $10,000 of the insurance money to help me. He would have wanted that.
I got the call at work still numb the day after the funeral from her that she had found the letters. I have blocked out the call..I cannot remember much. Only that she was sooo angry and hurt and she told me that she had contemplated giving me some of the BLOOD MONEY but would not now. I did not want it, believe me. I tried to explain to her that the letter was misconstrued but she would not listen to me. She believed what she assumed to be true. I could not make her believe any different.
The one letter referred to our ONE NIGHT together and another later on when he was unhappy and thinking of MAYBE moving on. I asked if he had any resources of his own set aside to live on if he decided to make a change. It SOUNDED LIKE we were planning to be together and he leaving her. It was just a one-time conversation and not an indicator of what he planned on doing. But she ASSUMED that we were having an affair all along and the worst part is to come. She hated his family even before this. She thought they were UNDER HER...they were foreign Dutch-Indonesian and different. Very loving and kind. I adored them. They adored me. I guess they didn't like her too much either. At any rate she decided NEVER to allow the grandparents access to see the two children again. They were too MEEK to make waves with the law and too inexperienced. They wanted nothing to do with that sort of thing. They decided to allow the children to grow up and COME and FIND THEM. They held to this and by now the kids must be about 13 and 15. I haven't spoke with them for a long time and will probably make a call soon.
Where do I fit in? I feel so much GUILT for writing that letter..the last one. It was that letter that must have HURT the wife so badly and caused so much pain thinking her husband was cheating on her (HE WAS NOT) at the time of the horrible pain of his sudden death. It wasn't the sole reason for the children not seeing the grandparents but it sure helped. Did I learn a lesson here? Not for a long time. Maybe not to leave a paper trail? A trail that people can use against you? I'm not sure..it was a private letter and neither of us thought of the consequences. I'm sure he had other things in his locker from me..pictures and other letters. I don't know. I will NEVER know.....for sure. Today I must unload this weight of guilt. I never found out exactly what happened surrounding the accident only that the tandem team(instructor and he) were roped together and the chute #1 opened in the plane and they HAD to jump or the plane would have gone down...then the second chute malfunctioned and they dropped. I went crazy and thought it was a set-up between his partner and wife to get the insurance money because the partner had jumped the afternoon before and all had gone well. Time ran out and Jeff had to wait until the next morning to his demise. I'll never know the truth but it was probably just an accident.
Every year I TRY to make it to the top of Pico Mtn May 20 to talk to him and fix the shrine I erected. Last year I made it. This year I am too sick. It would kill me. Two years ago I went later on. This year I will have to go later on. I will talk to him and ask for his forgiveness. His unconditional love.
Anyway...time to LET GO of this heavy load.
I love you Noker...I miss you...you were my best buddy....you loved me more than I even knew. You waited for me...I took too long...I'm sorry.
I am with you every day and you give me the strength to persevere as you taught me many things. When I suffer I get through it with your burning spiritual energy inside of me.
Remember how we laughed tripping and watched Cheech and Chong??
Remember how we sailed the Boston Harbor and got towed in by the coast guard?
Remember how we scampered the rooftops of Boston/Allston?
Remember how we sipped Scorpion Bowls at Aku-Aku in Boston?
Remember how we lay on that island and napped and woke up surrounded by creeping caterpillars and got really freaked out?
Just remember me......as I remember you! I have all your letters, cards and notes still.
I save everything! Tears are falling for us....tears of pain, sadness and relief.
Forgive me? I know you would never blame me for anything..that's just the way you were.
Little Noker
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