Maybe I Shouldn't Expect Anything But Clues...

Follow The Yellow Brick Road, Toto......

Coming out of the cobwebs folks. The last week has been exceptionally challenging. Yesterday it was like my brain had disconnected from my body and moved into another dimension. It's like little surgeons were performing brain surgery on me as I sat at the computer looking at Boogered Blogger and trying my damndest after logging in daily for years..I could NOT for the life of me remember how to login. I panicked and looked lamely through all my index cards but hadn't written it down. I stared blankly at the screen...my eyes moved back and forth until I saw g.mail.com...THE CLUE, Sue....then it all came roaring back as if the surgery had been completed and the anaesthetic had just worn off. Splatttt!!!Swooshhhhh...back into the reality of my whirled...I logged in and my computer froze after I typed Maybe I Shouldn't Expect Anything....how appropriate. So...I decided to give it a day for my circuits to reconnect. Alas...here I yam...the babbling book. Thought of my friend earache being silent in Buddha Boot Camp far away drift by...I know he'll be okay. This is all new to him...but I hope it is calming and peaceful not oppressive and upsetting. I will await his letter. he always wrote to me when we first met. Almost every day. I would rush to the post office to pick up a beautifully painted envelope and wonderful letter...it was like receiving an enormous gift each day. We only lived 45 minutes apart but he had no car and I was too sick and broke to drive far at that time. I was also waiting for my license to come in the mail. Eventually I made it up to his home last spring. To make memories and music. To laugh and love and be comforted with each others "sameness" and yet sometimes "conflicted by it." It's funny when you finally come face to face with yourself in another person. The things you dislike are the same things you dislike about yourself. You love them and you hate them. You are attracted towards them and then just as fast repelled. But you keep running back to the mirror of your friend's face. Something in the way they understand your dark side and still love you for it. Because they have the same dark side. I guess it's like going to AA. Being around people who "get it" because they've been there. Not to dwell on "it" but just to be comforted in each other's presence because you are equal and the same. Common ground walked separately yet together. Guards let down....masks off. Truths told..secrets shared. Shame revealed. We had laughter and we had tears. We were "human" together. He taught me how to enjoy the simple things in life because that is all he had. Conversation...silliness...massage....making and listening to music..cooking yummy food....cuddling. Friendship....chores......returning bottles...taking inane pictures. The little things. I fought against the "pull" of my responsibilities at home as a "werkin' jerk" and a "bar chick"...."dancing fool"..."singing jewel"...."my petz"....."bills".....stuff. When I was at his home it was like i was "hiding from life a bit" in the quietude of the woods. I had done that before with another boyfriend Otel...he lived way back with no power, phone or plumbing and it was "blissful heaven". I could "RELAX" there....that's how it was at Orecks. I could "RELAX" there and be "ME" and it was grand. But eventually the "tug" of home pulled me back into the whirlwind of my life. Into the arms of another man. A man of mystery and sex...a master musician.....a teacher..... a man I admired, respected and loved but I could KNOT for the life of me "FIND" peace with him. It wasn't his fault. He was just not a best friend guy. I could feel it....it was like walking on eggshells trying to please him...having him dissect my meals....spurn my gifts if he didnot like them....never say thank you or please......never respecting me enough to brush his teeth or shower or be clean before he came into my bed....he could be cold and arrogant and superior....I don't think he even knew it when he said hurtful or cruel things. When I told him down the road he didn't even remember anything....musta been the POT and the WINE. Somehow I think he was a "daddy" figure...I called him sugar pop. He was like a manager...he walked around telling me what I had to do at my own home...he wouldnt help me. Then he said I "expected too much." I never asked for anything. I just told him what a best friend guy did. He said I was high maintenance. I didn't agree....I just thought he was obstinate and selfish. So we ended. Painfully and angrily on his end. The wall went UP, Up...up. Case closed. Love???? R you sure that was love cloud pop??? I'd say lust...possession.....infatuation...amazing sex....trophy younger woman....it was very sad and heart wrenching. The day it was "gone". POOF!!! I'm sorry do I know you?? Pfttttttttttttttt!

Anyhoo....back to "Now"....classical on VPR....bad haircut in place....flipper out...sipping organic coffee with maple syrup.....blogging out my brain into the blogosphere....my therapy. Gestalt! Gezundheit!! Your wekkum! This morning I "expected" to be totally down for the count after breathing tons of dust and mold yesterday but amazingly I am a tad "wheezy muscled" and "sore" but nothing like I had expected. Maybe it is BEST not to expect anything...I certainly wasn't disappointed this time...lol. Boy could I use a massage. My shoulders. But alas my massage therapist is yikes and away! Took some pictures the last few days in the yard. Will post asap. The cobwebs in my brain are clearing. I am taking baby steps. Sobriety rules. It is for the rest of my life I am sure. I cannot srep backwards into the oblivion of alcoholism. It is a "living hell". A fog of inanity, irresponsibility, madness and blurred boundaries. Impulsiveness. So what am I going to be when I grow up?? I don't know an old fool? No fool like an old fool.
Hopefully a better version of me if I can shake off this "malady" from my body like the shedding of a dogs coat. This is goink to take some hard werk. I don't like that the medicinal tinctures have alcohol. I have no choice. I need them to get the LEAD out of my brain. Let sum air out.
Be well everybody...be okay Earache...I love yew....my brother.
At the moment....in the moment....
Sore Bones