My gramma used to say this together with many things. Bite your tongue....she means well(my mom)...Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum....she didn't say much but was ever so vigilant as she crocheted. She ended up alone because the judge she dated drank like a fish and she couldnt handle the volatility. She was a waitress and a short order cook. She ended up living as a martyr taking care of her daughter after her brain surgery despite the abuse she put up with. You see my mom had a cerebral aneurysm when I was 11 and they operated and put a metal plate in her head. After that she was never the same. She already had OCD and PTSD add schizophrenia or borderline tendencies...I'm not sure which it is. She was never properly diagnosed. I grew up in a very mentally abusive home in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Unable to sleep normally. Kept up all night with moms rantings and ravings. This is why now I make sure I have security and a safe place to live. I don't stay at other peoples homes much because I like to be here. Gramma always said Bite Your Tongue because my mom pushed my buttons non-stop in order to ridicule me and denigrate me. Insult me. So I am particularly sensitive to judgemental people who criticize me. I have my reasons for doing things in my life and it is none of anyones bizness. If I choose to help a homeless person that is MY choice. Last night Victor asked if he got together $6 grand could he come with me to Arizona. I had to tell him no. I drive alone, I prefer to be by myself....I love Victor but his mental illness is too ingrained. I'm sure he would make a fine copilot. But then I'd have him 24-7 and that would be too much for me. I like spending time with him however. We watch old BW movies and listen to jazz. He is very quiet except when he gets riled up by the bureaucracy. He is self-effacing and I am trying to teach him to be more positive. We play scrabble and dine. One night he smoked pot with me and got really stoned. He was so funny. Yeah I know he's in love with me but he can't go anywhere unless I go get him. Turns out he has The Ramada room for two weeks. Luxury. I will go visit soon as I saw they had a pool table room and a game room so maybe he could play. Maybe that would be something besides TV for him. Today they show my house at 10:30am so I have to scoot with the dog down the road and sit in the car. I'm thinking of pulling it and renting it instead. Seems to be lucrative. I checked my homeowners and it is insures for 112,000 plus 10% garage...in 6 mos it goes up to $120,000. Just in case it burns down. Yesterday I smelled burning electrical smell and it turned out to be the phone plugged into a power strip so I plugged it directly into the wall and put the air cleaner on. Fires can start real easy. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It's hard saying goodbye for me to people but ultimately some people are just dangerous for you. Too much drama. Too much booze. Too much up and downness. Too much criticism and judgement. Too many domestic disturbance events. Too much violence. I don't want to be a part of anyones life where there is drama. It's too unsettling. It is peaceful here. Cozy. Calm. I wonder how Cloud pop is doing. I think of him almost every day. With a smile on my face. I had the most ultimate lover in my life for about three years. Hard act to follow. I spoke with a man who I met online who is a truck driver in Georgia VT and declined meeting him due to distance and also his reaction to my "going out to hear music". He wants some Betty Crocker to move in his home and take care of him. Forget-aboudit. Cook-clean-shop-sex.......blech. I am driving alone to Middle Earth to see Kris Kleeman Saturday night. Carol is seeing Bluegrass. I'm not gonna cave and go to bluegrass. I've seen Gopher broke already a few times. It's a long drive so I'm trying my friend Gary to see if he would want to go.
After him I'll try my buddy Otel. Otel drinks a lot so I would def. have to drink water and do the driving. Gotta get the house ready for the showing and scoot..................
Be Back Letter
