I have been staying with relatives for about five days now with five more to go. It is really hard to live in someone elses' home with their rules and comments. It is hard when you are hiking to crave silence yet have a person yammering on and on non-stop. When I hike I don't speak I just enjoy the silence. I went off my diet due to circumstances and am back on today. No reason to wait til 1/1. I miss being able to go to the gym. I will be there a lot after I return and clean the 3 houses the week of the first. I feel a bit "out of place" here as I am used to being alone. This morning was the first morning I am alone all day and I love it. I feel like I can breathe. I love my family but my sister-in-law loves to shop and talks incessantly. My brother makes snide comments that hurt. His judgement and criticism shows a lack of self-awareness. I will not take anything personally. I had to try on bras yesterday and the full length mirror did me in. There was a reflection of a haggard overweight woman with sagging breasts that scared me silent. I was so thin in July almost skeletonlike--how could this medication zyprexa do this to me? I have faced this dilemma before in my 30's and the only thing that works is the Atkins diet but very strictly. We went to the second gambling casino in Rome, NY last night my brother and I. There was a lot of cigarette smoke and I only took $20 and left my wallet home. I started winning and at one point had $50 and was going to cash it in but prompted by my brother I lost it all. he lost about $80. I can't afford it and the smoke was really getting to me. I was glad to leave and come home and go to bed after a scary movie. The casino was huge and disgusted me really---it was sort of gross. Watching all these desperate people throw away their hard earned money just to win. I'd rather rent my house. It's a sure thing. I am a virgo and too practical to throw away money. The renters added a day so I get to put $750 on my credit card and when my seasonal tenant arrives and gives me $1200 Visa will get that too. I want drums but it will have to wait until I can use the porch to set them up. There is no room in the house right now. Buddha said wait that you do not need too much right now that it was better to have less. The debt and my weight loss is my focus. For years I have watched fat women and wondered how they got that way and I have my answer---carbs-sugar-alcohol. No exercise. Time to shower and read a bit of my book. I haven't had any free time to read. I miss my home. It will be good to get back. I have decided to stay sober for now because alcohol is carbs and it also drops the blood sugar. I can't risk that as it makes you eat. I hope you all are enjoying the holiday. We have NYRS coming up prolly with a pool table night here at the meadows ranch. Just as well to stay in. Dangerous out there. Much love and peace to all of you. I have learned how valuable my home is where it is quiet. I am very grateful for it. My truck wiper is fixed and I am halfway home......
Peace and Love
Tsunami-zen
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REALLY good post! In many respects. You are away from your element. The place that you always called home but got you so irritated because of the irritants, yoooo sea? Now you are there. and you realize what is so important to you. Sometimes it takes losing your own footing to realize you still have two feet~!
Everything you desire is right here so to speak. you want to drum but are patient. Yet, you still have drums if it is driving you to cliffs to play. You want to be skinny and as attractive as ever, yet you arent at the moment. SO WHAT! how many times do you have to bang your head on that wall? It is your BODY! It ages! You look terrific for your physical age. SAG HAPPENS! big deal, does that mean you have less of a spirit? does that mean you are less of a vibrant person that sings with spirit? Keep listening to Buddha. No need to gamble. No need to feel overpowered by brothers and sisters in life. no need to hang on to it. let it GO! Pay those bills, it makes you feel better Capt. Responsible! forget about everyone else and just enjoy yourself. (in-joy with yourself) you are a gem, a beauty. from afar, from anear... blind as you you do. shimmer on!
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