Eye Of God

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Wind Spirit

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution."

Love Sees A New Color by Jodi Meadows

LOVE SEES A NEW COLOR

What if one day you woke up,
and you could see a new color?
Try to imagine it.
What would it look like?

A new color, unlike any you had ever seen before.
A color that had always been there,
you just didn't know how to see it.

What if you tried to show it to your friends,
and they just couldn't see it.
What if you tried to explain it to your family,
but they just didn't understand.

And what if one day you met someone
who could also see the new color,
and they introduced you to a whole bunch of people,
who could all see it too.

How would you feel about them?

I have gotten a glimpse of this new color in the last year. I ran towards it yet I ran from it. Like a moth to a flame. I felt that I would self-destruct If I stayed in the flame too long. So I ran from it. I did anyway......fall apart....it was not the flame...it was me.

Hmmmm Again

" Thoughts create things."

Dig Deep Sunami

"The solution is never found at the level of the problem".

Can You Say Whine?

The Wave

Love and Connectivity

I have noticed myself that WHEN IN LOVE my illness recedes as if in flight from something as mighty and pure as love. Something about love must tune your body to a higher frequency ousting out pain. Problem with me in the past is that always alcohol and marijuana were present. I rode the wave of love and addiction to unbelievable creative and sexual heights. In those moments I had captured pure joy.
Tsunami

Hmmmmmm

" Word of mouth is not created, word of mouth is co-created."

Todays Lesson

" Approach what you find repulsive, help the ones you think you cannot help, and go to places that scare you."

The Innermost Essence Of The Mind Is Without Bias

Whatever or whoever arises, train again and again in looking at it and seeing it for what it is without calling it names, without hurling rocks, without averting your eyes. Let all those stories go. The innermost essence of the mind is without bias. Things arise and things dissolve forever and ever. That's just the way it is.

On The Road To Financial Ruin

Of late it has been illustrated to me the constant deluge of bullshit falling upon the human race.
In my questo for health(which is not going so well) I am being bombarded not only with physical non-stop torment but with crises of all proportions threatening my sanity and equilibrium.
I have tried so hard and maintained sobriety at all costs but I see why people drink.
Is life just an endless incessant peckering of your spirit with human suffering and trails and tribulatiosn and stress. What happens when you have no money after working so hard for so many years. Desperately clinging to your home like a cat getting a bath will claw at your arm.
Venus just got a bath in the sink so I know. Having to depend on your friends for help..feeling so needy and helpless. Unable to stop your body from allergic reactions that wrack it on a daily basis for months at a time. Unable to join other people at this time due to strong scent senstivities. The truck breaks down...thinking it a simple fuel filter and then getting THE CALL. Fuel pump silly. Ka-ching. Bathroom renovations monday.......kaching.....dental bioavailability blood test---kaching.......filling........kaching.......gas for truck.....kaching......insurance.....kaching.....
natural supplements.....kaching.....how about
I CAN'T CHING ANYMORE!! Thank you very much. What do I do? Sell my truck and go vehicleless. I can't. MCS people need transportation and I can't take a bus because of the diesel fumes. They can't find me help because of my fragrance sensitivities. There is no help for people w/MCS I'm afraid. It is a very un-understood illness. I hate it. I am hating my life right now. I have to be honest. This is my blog.
My piano was moved to the porch so I could keep it yet have it out of the living space.
I'm happy about that. Whine-whime-whine. Under all that shit I thought there was supposed to be a pony.
Love and Peace...
Enough Already God..haven't I been doing a good enough job?
I guess knot. Is this a test of my sobriety?? Me guesses.
Sunami

MY NEW ME CHEW FAST SHOUT IT OUT

I feel like I have been struck by lightening over and over as if someone were fashioning my new ME out of fire. MY-NEW-ME. Minumi? Now there's a word. Sorta brainfogged of late unable to piece together a sentence at times...having a hard time with comprehension and typing some day thus the blank blog. It seems like since I stopped that evil medication my circuits were short circuited and are having a hard time healing back. People expect an awful lot out of ya and of course I expect too much out of myself. Like I whip myself internally if i don't get enough done. Make progress. Why is this? Possibly a Type A overachiever. Multitasker. High-stress fast paced jobs. Never time to eat. ME-CHEW-FAST. Thas my cherokee name. heheheheh. What's that song..c'mon you know it?Whatcha gonna do? SHOUT IT OUT! Cherokee people....cherokee tribe...I forget the words.
I'm INANE today. Virtual exhaustion. Front and center. They say benzo withdrawal is like having the flu and together with "WHAT I GOT" its definately a SLOMO cocktail.
Boy would a cocktail taste goot! I have trouble with the loss of the giggly girl. The vodka sutra. Vodka and orange soda could NOT be beat. Them were the days.
Now iz serious somber times for this girl wanting a backrub and a huggety doo dah so bad (NOT SECS) yet staying solo out of preservatory masochistic madness.
Every thing accomplished requires rest. Possibly the disease of the 90's has nibbled my appendages until the blood drained out of me without me even seeing it. Work..do this...do that....git er done. I'm sooo tired as the man in Cuckoos Nest wanderd around saying.
So Tired. My sense of humor was lost on the RE lady today. Oh well not everyone can getje.
Blabadookie

The Only Diet For Humans-The Paleo Diet Versus The Hannibal Lectins

INTRODUCTION TO THE PALEOLITHIC DIET
Dr. Ben Balzer, family physician
There are races of people who are all slim, who are stronger and faster than us. They all have straight teeth and perfect eyesight. Arthritis, diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, stroke, depression, schizophrenia and cancer are absolute rarities for them. These people are the last 84 tribes of hunter-gatherers in the world. They share a secret that is over 2 million years old. Their secret is their diet- a diet that has changed little from that of the first humans 2 million years ago, and their predecessors up to 7 million years ago. Theirs is the diet that man evolved on, the diet that is coded for in our genes. It has some major differences to the diet of "civilization". You are in for a few big surprises.

The diet is usually referred to as the "Paleolithic Diet" referring to the Paleolithic or Stone Age era. It is also referred to as the "Stone Age Diet", "Cave Man Diet" or the "Hunter-Gatherer Diet". More romantic souls like to think of it as the diet that was eaten in the "Garden of Eden" and they are correct in thinking so.

The basic principles of the Paleolithic Diet are so simple that most high school students can understand them. Within 15 minutes from now you will grasp the major elements. At the technical level, Paleolithic Diet Theory has a depth and breadth that is unmatched by all other dietary theories. Paleolithic Diet Theory presents a fully integrated, holistic, comprehensive dietary theory combining the best features of all other dietary theories, eliminating the worst features and simplifying it all.
All major dietary components are covered- (i.e. vitamins, fats, protein, fats, carbohydrates, antioxidants and phytosterols etc). This is for the simple reason that it is the only diet that is coded for in our genes- it contains only those foods that were "on the table" during our long evolution, and discards those which were not. Have you ever wondered why almost everybody feels the need to take vitamin supplementsat times, or why so many people feel the need to "detoxify" their system? There are very real reasons for this that you will soon understand. Now, come with me, I’d like to share the secret with you...

Basics of the Paleolthic Diet
For millions of years, humans and their relatives have eaten meat, fish, fowl and the leaves, roots and fruits of many plants. One big obstacle to getting more calories from the environment is the fact that many plants are inedible. Grains, beans and potatoes are full of energy but all are inedible in the raw state as they contain many toxins. There is no doubt about that- please don’t try to eat them raw, they can make you very sick.
Around 10,000 years ago, an enormous breakthrough was made- a breakthrough that was to change the course of history, and our diet, forever. This breakthrough was the discovery that cooking these foods made them edible- the heat destroyed enough toxins to render them edible. Grains include wheat, corn, barley, rice, sorghum, millet and oats. Grain based foods also include products such as flour, bread, noodles and pasta. These foods entered the menu of New Stone Age (Neolithic) man, and Paleolithic diet buffs often refer to them as Neolithic foods.

The cooking of grains, beans and potatoes had an enormous effect on our food intake- perhaps doubling the number of calories that we could obtain from the plant foods in our environment. Other advantages were soon obvious with these foods:
· they could store for long periods (refrigeration of course being unavailable in those days)
· they were dense in calories- ie a small weight contains a lot of calories, enabling easy transport
· the food was also the seed of the plant- later allowing ready farming of the species
These advantages made it much easier to store and transport food. We could more easily store food for winter, and for nomads and travelers to carry supplies. Food storage also enabled surpluses to be stored, and this in turn made it possible to free some people from food gathering to become specialists in other activities, such as builders, warriors and rulers. This in turn set us on the course to modern day civilization. Despite these advantages, our genes were never developed with grains, beans and potatoes and were not in tune with them, and still are not. Man soon improved further on these advances- by farming plants and animals.

Instead of being able to eat only a fraction of the animal and plant life in an area, farming allows us to fill a particular area with a large number of edible plants and animals. This in turn increases the number of calories that we can obtain from an area by some 10 to 100 fold or more. Then followed the harnessing of dairy products, which allow man to obtain far more calories from the animal over its lifetime than if it were simply slaughtered for meat. Dairy products are interesting as they combine a variety of components- some of which our genes were ready for and some not. Whist cows milk is ideal for calves, there are several very important differences between it and human milk. For example, the brain of a calf is only a tiny fraction of its body weight whereas humans have very big brains. Not surprisingly, cows milk is low in critical nutrients for brain development, particularly omeg 3 fats.

Paleolithic Diet buffs refer to the new foods as Neolithic foods and the old as Paleolithic Diet foods. In simple terms we see Neolithic as bad and Paleolithic as good. Since then, some other substances have entered the diet- particularly salt and sugar, and more recently a litany of chemicals including firstly caffeine then all other additives, colourings, preservatives, pesticides etc.

Grains, Beans and Potatoes (GBP) share the following important characteristics:
· They are all toxic when raw- there is no doubt about this- it is a fact that no competent source would dispute- they can be extremely dangerous and it is important never to eat them raw or undercooked. These toxins include enzyme blockers, lectins and other types. I will talk about them in detail later as they are very important.
· Cooking destroys most but not all of the toxins. Insufficient cooking can lead to sickness such as acute gastroenteritis.
· They are all rich sources of carbohydrate, and once cooked this is often rapidly digestible-giving a high glycemic index (sugar spike).
· They are extremely poor sources of vitamins (particularly vitamins A, B-group, folic acid and C), minerals, antioxidants and phytosterols.
Therefore diets high in grains beans and potatoes (GBP):
· Contain toxins in small amounts
· Have a high glycemic index (ie have a similar effect to raw sugar on blood glucose levels)
· Are low in many vitamins, minerals, antioxidants and phytosterols- ie they are the original "empty calories"
· Have problems caused by the GBP displacing other foods

As grains, beans and potatoes form such a large proportion of the modern diet, you can now understand why it is so common for people to feel they need supplements or that they need to detoxify (ie that they have toxins in their system)- indeed both feelings are absolutely correct. Unfortunately, we don’t necessarily realize which supplements we need, and ironically when people go on detoxification diets they unfortunately often consume even more Neolithic foods (eg soy beans) and therefore more toxins than usual (perhaps they sometimes benefit from a change in toxins). More detail on these issues follows in subsequent pages.

The essentials of the Paleolithic Diet are:
Eat none of the following:
· Grains- including bread, pasta, noodles
· Beans- including string beans, kidney beans, lentils, peanuts, snow-peas and peas
· Potatoes
· Dairy products
· Sugar
· Salt
Eat the following:
· Meat, chicken and fish
· Eggs
· Fruit
· Vegetables (especially root vegetables, but definitely not including potatoes or sweet potatoes)
· Nuts, eg. walnuts, brazil nuts, macadamia, almond. Do not eat peanuts (a bean) or cashews (a family of their own)
· Berries- strawberries, blueberries, raspberries etc.
Try to increase your intake of:
· Root vegetables- carrots, turnips, parsnips, rutabagas, Swedes
· Organ meats- liver and kidneys (I accept that many people find these unpalatable and won’t eat them)

Expect some minor tuning problems- don’t worry, you can deal with them:
· It will take some time for your body to adjust to the changes after all these years. There is a huge surge in your vitamin intake. There is a huge decrease in your toxin intake.
· Start with breakfast for few days, as this is the easiest place to start as most people eat it at home, and it tends to be the least Paleolithic meal of the standard 3. For weight loss you will eventually need to reduce your carbohydrate intake, but ignore this initially as most people have high carb intakes and this can continue for the first few days that you are on this diet. If you reduce too quickly then you may fell unwell. Then move on to lunch or dinner for a few days and then to all 3 meals. If you work, you will often find it easier to take your lunch to work.

· Keep reading more about the diet- and read it again. Remember, there are many dietary myths that will need to be unlearned. Particularly, please read the section on fats several times. Knowledge on fats has exploded over the last decade and there is a realization in mainstream nutrition that omega 3 fats are critical to good health. It is very important to ensure that you have an adequate intake of these. The low fat diet craze of the 90’s was well intentioned but many people "threw out the baby with the bath-water"- most people reduced omega 3 fat intake as well as other fats, and sometimes even increased omega 6 fats. There is now a realization that the low fat diet theory of the 90’s doesn’t often work (it has about a 6% success rate like most other diets) and that the vast majority of the Western population need to increase their omega 3 intake and decrease their omega 6 intake. Even if you don’t end up on a Paleolithic Diet, you will benefit from a better appreciation of fats.

Technical Aspects:
12,000 years ago the ice planet Earth thawed out as the last Ice Age came to an end. The great glaciers melted, carving enormous plains across the continents and the planet became green again. The seas rose some 400 feet (120 metres) (incidentally unfortunately drowning most of our archeological heritage). The plains flourished and savannah, prairie and forest sprang up. Grazing animals spread onto the plains, followed by hunting animals and amongst these last were the greatest hunters of all- humans. Humans, being omnivores, have the ability to eat both plant and animal foods. That is a major advantage as the number of creatures that can live in a particular habitat depends entirely on how much energy they can obtain. To make a crude example- imagine you are breeding monkeys on 100 acres of land and the only edible plant there is bananas. If you double the number of banana plants, then you can double the number of monkeys on the land.

You might instead introduce apple trees and have the same effect. The number of monkeys would depend entirely on how many calories they could obtain from the environment. The carrying capacity of the habitat for a species depends on how many calories the species can obtain. Humans are no different. They have a major advantage in being able to eat both plant and animals foods thereby harvesting enormous amounts of calories from the environment. Humans learnt to cook grains, beans and potatoes and increased further the number of plant food calories they can obtain from the environment- probably doubling it in most habitats, and even more on grasslands.

The reason why grains, beans and potatoes store so well is simply because of the toxins that they contain. The enzyme blockers put them into a deep freeze, stopping them from sprouting. The lectins and other toxins are natural pesticides and can attack bacteria, insects, worms, rodents and other pests (and humans too of course).

ANTINUTRIENTS- YOUR KEY TO BAD HEALTH
You probably already know a lot about nutrients- macronutrients (fats, protein and carbohydrates and micronutrients (vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, phytosterols etc). Now it's time to meet the rest of the family....... We all know that foods contain a variety of nutrients. There is less awareness that many foods contain small amounts of potentially harmful substances. These are toxins, as they have toxic effects. They are normally called "antinutrients" by the scientific community as toxins sounds too alarmist. Antinutrients are very real and for over 100 years research has been done on them- but it is generally only appreciated by a small group of specialized scientists. Antinutrients have an incredible range of biological effects. As you have probably already guessed, the vast majority and highest levels of antinutrients are in Neolithic foods like grains, beans and potatoes. The Paleolithic diet has incredibly low levels of antinutrients compared to the usual modern diet. I believe that this is the number one advantage of the diet.

Textbooks on antinutrients read like books on what not to eat- Neolithic foods are the most prominent. Professor Irvin Liener published one of the most famous of these books in 1980. In the first chapter he points out that when we started cooking inedible plants, new toxins entered the diet for the first time. Ironically, he wasn’t trying to promote Paleolithic diets- his aim was to help agricultural scientists more safely feed the world on grains, beans and potatoes.

It’s a technical subject, and I’ll do my best to make it clear to you.
Consider our friend, the apple. When an animal eats an apple, it profits by getting a meal. It swallows the seeds and then deposits them in a pile of dung. With some luck a new apple tree might grow, and so the apple tree has also profited from the arrangement. In nature as in finance, it is good business when both parties make profit happily. Consider what would happen if the animal were greedy and decided to eat the few extra calories contained within the apple seeds- then there would be no new apple tree to continue on the good work. So, to stop this from happening, the apple seeds contain toxins that have multiple effects:
* firstly, they taste bad- discouraging the animal from chewing them
* secondly some toxins are enzyme blockers that bind up predators digestive enzymes- these also act as "preservatives" freezing the apple seed enzymes until sprouting- Upon sprouting of the seed, many of these enzyme blockers disappear.
* thirdly, they contain lectins- these are toxic proteins which have numerous effects. They act as natural pesticides and are also toxic to a range of other species including bacteria, insects, worms, rodents and other predators including humans .

Of course, the apple has other defenses- to start with it is high above the ground well out of reach of casual predators, and it also has the skin and flesh of the apple to be penetrated first. Above all though is the need to stop the seed from being eaten, so that new apple trees may grow.
Now, please consider the humble grain. Once again as a seed its duty is mission critical- it must perpetuate the life cycle of the plant. It is however much closer to the ground, on the tip of a grass stalk. It is within easy reach of any predator strolling by. It contains a good source of energy, like a booster rocket for the new plant as it grows. The grain is full of energy and in a vulnerable position. It was "expensive" for the plant to produce. It is an attractive meal. Its shell offers little protection. Therefore, it has been loaded with toxic proteins to discourage predators- grains are full of enzyme blockers and lectins. You may be surprised to learn that uncooked flour is very toxic- please don't try eating it as you become very sick. And yes, I don't recommend al dente pasta (if one must eat pasta at all).

Beans too are full of enzyme blockers and lectins. Potatoes contain enzyme blockers, lectins and another family of toxins called glycoalkaloids. Glycoalkaloids (GA) unlike lectins and enzyme blockers aren't destroyed by cooking, even deep-frying. GA are particularly high in green or injured potatoes, which must never be eaten even if trimmed heavily and well-cooked. Many people have told me that they eat small amounts of raw potato- this is a dangerous habit and it should be discouraged very strongly.

These toxins in foods are commonly referred to as antinutrients. Let's learn some more about them:
Enzyme Blockers: These enzyme blockers are abundant in all seeds including grains and beans, and also in potatoes, serving to hold them in suspended animation and also acting as pesticides. Most commonly they block the enzymes that digest protein (proteases), and are called "protease inhibitors". They can affect the stomach protease enzyme "pepsin", and the small intestine protease enzymes "trypsin" and "chymotrypsin". These small intestine enzymes are made by the pancreas (it does a lot of other important things besides making insulin). Some enzyme blockers affect the enzymes that digest starch (amylase) and are called "amylase inhibitors".

When GBP are cooked, most of the enzyme blockers are destroyed, but some are not. In human volunteers and in animal experiments high levels of protease inhibitors lead to increased secretion of digestive enzymes by the pancreas. This is because the body can sense that the enzymes have been knocked out and orders to pancreas to make more. Even if the effect of GBP based foods is only a small increase in pancreatic enzyme secretion, over many years it all adds up to a lot of extra work.

They are effective poisons- rats cannot gain weight if they have substantial amounts of enzyme blockers in the diet. As far as their preservative action is concerned, I need only to remind you that the potted grains in the tombs of the Egyptian pharaohs were still viable and sprouted after thousands of years locked away.
Grain eating birds have evolved digestive enzymes that are resistant to grain protease inhibitors. Lectins (Haemagglutins)................ Meet Hannibal

Lectins are natural proteins that have a large variety of roles. They are amongst the most fascinating and stimulating of all biological compounds, and I have no doubt that they play a major role in many "unexplained " diseases. I think of them as "Hannibal Lectins" as they remind of the devious criminal mastermind in the shock horror movie "Silence of the Lambs.' Lectins are like master code-breakers. The cells of our bodies are studded with receptors which are like code pads to ensure stimulation only under the correct circumstances. Lectins have the ability to crack these codes and stimulate the receptors causing a variety of responses- covering basically the full repertoire of the cell and even tricking the cell into doing things it normally cannot do.

They also have a knack for bypassing our defenses and "getting behind the lines", and then they can travel all over the body causing harm. They can, for example:
--strip protective mucus off tissues,
--damage the cells lining the small intestine- disrupting the microscopic fingers called villi and microvilli,
--get swallowed whole by the small intestine cells ("pinocytosis")
--bind to cells including blood cells causing a clot to form (hence they were initially called "haemagglutins")
--make a cell act as if it has been stimulated by a hormone-
--stimulate a cell to secrete a hormone
--promote cell division at the wrong time
--cause gowth or shrinkage of lymphatic tissue ("outposts" of white blood cells)
--cause enlargement of the pancreas
--cause cells to present codes (HLA's) that they normally should not use
--cause cell death (apoptosis)

Lectins break down the surface of the small intestine, stripping it of mucus and causing the cells to become irregular and leaky. Some lectins make cells act as if they have been stimulated by insulin. Others cause the pancreas to release insulin. Others cause immune cells to divide in the wrong way, causing growth of some white blood cells and breaking down the control of the immune system. Others cause cells to present the wrong codes (HLA's) on their surface, tricking the immune system into thinking that intruders have been found and activating the immune system inappropriately- thus leading to "autoimmune disease" where the body's tissues are attacked by its own immune system.

Autoimmune diseases are incredibly common and increase every year that a person gets older. A disordered immune system also has a much harder job recognizing and attacking the real intruders- invading germs and cancer cells (you may have heard that scientists think that most people generate many cancer cells in a life time but that the immune system cleans most of them up).

It is not known whether lectins can cause cancer- this is one of the most important questions in medicine today. They certainly affect colon cells in the test tube. I feel that they are likely candidates as they can stimulate abnormal cell growth and they also cause disorder in the immune system.

Lectins have many other roles besides defending seeds. For example in beans, lectins act like a glue to enable nitrogen-fixing bacteria to bind to the roots of the plant. Many important lectin families are found in animal tissues, but as we are carnivores, we have evolved to be able to deal with these- just as birds that live on grains have evolved to be resistant to grain lectins.

It is ironic that the lectins were discovered more than 100 years ago and yet so many questions remain unanswered- the same was true of the immune system until the 1980’s. I hope that there is more research done into lectins as they hold a whole world of disease mechanisms of which most of the medical community is blissfully unaware.

Exorphins:
Exorphins are food chemicals that have morphine-like activity. They are found in dairy products and wheat. Our body has its own natural morphine like substances that are called endorphins. Endorphins work by stimulating a type of nerve cell surface receptor called endorphin receptors. Endorphins are very important in controlling pain and addictive behaviour.
Exorphins also act on endorphin receptors and may stimulate them or block them. It is logical that exorphins may therefore affect chronic pain and also affect addictive behaviour.

I'm On The Bus Gus...

My Family In Seattle....Jodi, Sasha and Ruby

Here's My New Remedy....

Act Like A Babuna! Well hell....I've tried all the other ones....

Baboona Luna

When All Else Fails.....

Reclaim Your Sense of Humor!

Are We There Yet???

If...

"If We Want To Have Peace We Have To Bury Everything."
A Man In Indonesia

On Patience

"Wherever you go, there you are."

"Patience...is a remembering that things unfold in their own time. The seasons cannot be hurried. Spring comes, the grass grows by itself. Being in a hurry usually doesn't help, and it can create a great deal of suffering--sometimes in us, sometimes in those who have to be around us. Patience is an ever present alternative to the mind's endemic restlessness and impatience. Scratch the surface of impatience and what you will find lying beneath it, subtly or not so sublty, is anger. It's the strong energy of not wanting things to be the way they are and blaming someone (often yourself) or something for it."

This has helped me today. I am impatient to be well but I'm afraid i have a few montsh to go if not more. It took 3 years to break my body down again with overwork, over exercise, medication and alcohol, overdoing it all around and it will most likely take at least a year to be really well. So I must be patient as I watch others whirl around and have fun. It is not my time. Friends I have left by the wayside to do this thing I have to do alone as a friend told me. It is painful and sad and my dog keeps waiting for me to take him places. I can't. The toxins go slow as they exit even though they entered rapidly
Peace.
Lonely Girl

Seroquel

I was on this horrid drug over a year ago and it was nasty...my neck and body filled with burning fluid....spasms....

Canada - Medication leaves patient crippled OT

www.winnipegfreepress.com/subscriber/health/story/3990635p-4606151c.htm

Drug Side-Effects Infuriate Woman

Medication leaves patient crippled Mon Jun 18 2007 By Jen Skerritt

A Winnipeg woman is furious the muscles in her hands, feet and face have been permanently crippled by a prescription drug that was supposed to relieve her anxiety and depression. Laura Flett, 52, began taking Risperdal and Seroquel several years ago to help treat her obsessive compulsive behaviour and panic attacks. Although the drugs helped quell her uneasiness, Flett began to slowly lose control ofher muscles. She started smacking her lips together, thrusting her tongue, grinding her teeth, and having muscle spasms in her hands, feet and forehead. Flett said the spasms were uncontrollable and unpredictable, and continued to getworse. In 2005, she was diagnosed with tardive dyskinesia -- a form of dystonia and movement condition her doctor said was related to either Risperdal,Seroquel, or both. Now, she wants other people taking the medications to be wary of their irreversible side-effects.

"I can't peel an apple for my grandchildren," she said, tears welling up. "I wake up in the morning and both my fingers are (bent) down." <http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/images/dot.gif

Dystonia is a movement disorder that affects the nervous system and is the third most common movement disorder in North America. Experts say dystonia can be genetic or caused by physical trauma and exposure to certain medications. The disorder can affect multiple areas of the body, including the neck, eyes and limbs, and causes muscle spasms that can twist parts of the body into awkward, painful positions. Flett can no longer use her right hand, since her fingers are constantly twisted and stiffened in a bent position. She has constant pain in her arm muscles.

Chris Summerville, executive director of the Manitoba Schizophrenia Society, said he's seen many people in the mental-health system suffer serious side-effects from their medications -- including some, like tardive dyskinesia, that never go away. Summerville said older medications were notorious for causing muscle spasms, but drug companies sell newer drugs like Risperdal, promising that these types of side-effects are rare. However, as time goes on and patients have been taking these new drugs for several years, Summerville said more adverse side-effects are being reported. He said the best thing is for doctors to properly inform their patients of the risks, so they can catch movement problems early and switch medications. He said tremendous side-effects often deter some patients from taking their medication. Flett said her doctors expect her muscle contractions will get worse and are worried they could spread to her diaphragm or chest. She said her physician brought up the idea of switching to another medication, but is too afraid, since the new side-effects include involuntary seizures -- something she's concerned could aggravate her current condition.

Every Bloop I Make....

Every time my body BLOOPS and fills up with fluid..it is just nature spring cleaning and hitting the RESET button. Each time I bloop now, my muscles are clear after. Before they were hard w/fluid from toxic overload..now they are becoming soft again. I have been taught a salt water flush--2qts warm water separately w/1tsp sea salt in each. Be near a bathroom...poopalot...keep pooping....good girl!!

POOP out the BAD....CONSUME the good....SWEAT out the bad in the sauna...HYDRATE with Poland Spring water all through the day up to 10cups. LAUGH...CRY....Get rid of the ANGER...worry, sadness, grief, guilt, depression, anxiety...useless emotions.....

DUMP a healthy load into the body bank that is you..a load of good, fresh organic vegetables and brown rice and fishies. I know, I know....you THINK you need sweets and crap food to make you feel better....SUGAR is white death.....TOO MANY CARBS make you bloated and fat...sluggish..

Get on the health train....it might be more painful to rebuild the body naturally but as i suffer I see it is the only way back.....the only way out is through and I did go through 2 weeks ago off that devil drug klonopin and it has been awful at times but I noticed more awful after a wrong food or supplement or toxic exposure so knowing that all medication is made of PETROCHEMICALS..would you eat that??? I hope not...I learned MY lesson...

Woodya? Couldya? Can the hatred, anguish, pain of the past---it does no good to languish in old memories...it just hurts ya....look ahead at that mountain...and get climbing! Vud-je?

Peace And Healing

Hari Snotra

Mentally Scrambled

Benzopression

By Genie Polower

Never felt such bad depression
I think I need a crying session
I often force myself to walk
And it can be a chore to talk

Can't get out of my own way
When e'er I try to sing or play
Self-absorption is my game
Which seems to be a crying shame

And, now you're all my only friends
Coz you don't care I've got the bends
Or, when my poor brain can't compute
Or, when sometimes I eat some fruit

And barf it up all back again
And try to deal with my rib pain.
Benzo withdrawal can make you lazy
Or, you think you're going crazy

I've beaten this once,
I'll heal again
In spite of all this awful pain
And, you can do it, too, my friends
Even if you, too, get the bends
Just keep on taperin' and you will see
That life will improve for you and me.

Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie

Being Put In Your Place a.k.a. The Party Is Over

Nothing shouts at us louder than our own bodies. Pretty much hits us over the head and stops us like a freight train despite the subtler warnings it had given us. Listen to your body I taught.
Did I listen to mine? I thought I was but I was too busy trying to have fun the only way I had learned through drinking. Well I'm listening now. I have isolated myself not to keep sober but to get well. The only way I know how. Diet, supplements, no stress and rest. Exercise comes next.
So when your body tries to talk to you, please listen. I was unfortunate enough to have gotten bit by a tick and also to have a toxic load of heavy metals. Most people probably do as well.
I will be trying to get out of this funky state slowly and quietly. Work will be done on my home this summer with an agency loan from Neighborworks at 3%. 20years to pay to get a new bath and a new roof. Cut 3 trees and patch the stone wall. Looks like I'm staying here for now. Sometimes our body makes up our minds. Now I just need to fight this with all I got.
Putting love on the back burner again of course...Must be fair to Love....
Love Still Sick Sunami

From An Open Heart

"Suddenly, the words on the page hit me: 'The number of times that you win or lose is not important. The only thing that matters is the number of times that you try.' For several years I had tried to get someone else to solve my problem for me, but I had not realized I was doing so until that moment of insight. '...That you try.' I was exhilarated. Now I knew that I was an alcoholic and that I had the only qualification for membership in A.A., a desire to stop drinking. –
AYUP IT TWAS THYME

What About Bob? a.k.a. Alcohol Takes Another Life

My friend, Robert Aiker of Quechee, Vermont took his life with a gun on Fathers Day 6-17-07

I've been putting this off. Ever since the call. The same day and approximately the same time he shot himself I released a dragonfly caught in a spiderweb and gave it back its life. Was there some significance? Maybe. I did not know that Bob had killed himself until after 4pm. He must have done it around 3. About the same time of the dragonfly rescue. Bob was a bad alcoholic most of his life. He was a man brought up with wealth and fine things and not much of a need to work. When his father passed he was left 400,000 and spent it in a few years shopping. He was a Vietnam Veteran and must have suffered a massive amount mentally in the war. He had a few wives-all beautiful and went on to date my best friend Carol about 10 years ago when she was healthy and very beautiful. He scored. Then he screwed up with alcohol and guns and she kicked him out. Besides he was mentally unstable and lied. He was manipulative and drank a lot secretly. When he realized she was never coming back he went into a drinking binge and fell in his apt and broke his neck and back about 2.5 years ago. He almost died and Carol and I went to the hospital (I was well) and I sang to him and stroked his arm as he was choking to death on the respirator w/pneumonia. He seemed to do a bit better when I did that. He survived and went to the VA and then home to an apt where he suffered endlessly w/pain and his health spiralled down after the drugs they gave him ceased working and he started becoming allergic to them. His liver must have been a mess. Any way I loved Bob. I blew him away recently when I surprised him "A WOMAN" by fixing his TV and hooking up his computer after organizing his apt. so that he could enjoy his belongings and move around. He confessed he was a bit of a chauvinist and was impressed with my techno skills. We did the best we could. It was not enough.

Any way I wanted to post something but since he died I have not been very well and have been unable to focus beyond my life to even do this. Carol is now executor of his estate againts her wishes and is whirling around in the mess he left her. Thinking he was doing her a favor leaving her with his fortune but the cash money that he had was spent frivolously and the bills are coming in daily. Will there be anything left when everything is paid? All the antiques and vehicles and planes and boats sold? I don't know. We don't know. He left the work for her. He could have sold the stuff on his own but instead he shopped. Found women to take care of him. Poor Carol. What did she say when the lawyer told her she was "IT"? That Little Dickens......she said. Shes fuming right now at him as he basically checked out and left her holding the check.....Alcoholics can be selfish they say...she agreed.

All In The Name Of Love

Sunami-zen

Miracles Take Time........Evidently

Lesson.....Patience and Persistance Against All Odds!

Still Life With Zee Biscuits

My mother was an artist. She went to art school in NYC. She loved Picasso

She used to blah-blah-blah about art-schmart. I wasn't interested.

What an idiot a kid can be! Years later look at me...loving Picasso!

I must tell her...

Sweet..

Sunami's Groove Coming Back Slow But Steady

Woman With A Book

She Reads! She Writes! She Creates! She Iz Vooman!

She Only Lies When Her Mouth Is Open

Woman-flower by Pablo

Great Art Crashes Into Our Lazy Routines

Guernica by Picasso

Tit For Tat

This For That?

Definition: Tit for tat is a highly effective strategy in game theory for the iterated prisoner's dilemma. Based on the English saying meaning "equivalent retaliation" ("tit for tat"), an agent using this strategy will initially cooperate, then respond in kind to an opponent's previous action. If the opponent previously was cooperative, the agent is cooperative. If not, the agent is not.

Both tit and tat are archaic words meaning 'a light blow'. The entire expression thus means 'a blow for a blow', like 'an eye for an eye'.

The act of retaliating, revenge, vengeance, being vindictive.

This is a common relationship tactic that I absolutely abhor. In other words "If you did or If I thought you did that....I will do this." Sometimes married people do this. Sometimes couples do this. Sometimes just people. It is certainly very childish and reactive. Builds hostility not love.

I've always hated it so I thought I would define it. It's sort of competitive. Or you could look at it this way....

Also known as “YOU SCRATCH MY BACK AND I’LL SCRATCH YOURS”, cooperation and mutual altruism is what keeps our species from self-destructing. In this way it seems to look positive but...I still don't like it. I mean if you help someone maybe they help you back. Hopefully a light goes on in their heads. That's good. But keeping score is not. I found my ex-husband and I doing that. I'm sure I've done it but ultimately it really sucks. The behavior.

Matatma Grumpy

On Drug Withdrawal

I think withdrawal can bring people to their knees. It effects mind and body and can be unrelenting and incapacitating at times. When you think about it that way it is not surprising that people may feel the end is near or tap into thoughts of mortality. It takes awhile but eventually people get over the hump and start to slowly feel better and more assured, those feelings may come and go as symptoms come and go.
Wanted to post so that all of you knew how I was gonna be for quite awhile. Please DO NOT take it personally.
In Case Ya Know Me

The Secret

"The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less."

First You Have To Lose Your Mind...

Before you can come to your senses....

I'm On My Way

The Most Amazing Thing Just Happened

I just set a drogonfly free from a web it was caught dangling in....and it thanked me by resting on my leg for a bit as I removed the web from it's tail end...
Then it flew away...
OH-MY-GOD
Dragonflies are one of the most aweomely beautiful things in nature...
Thank You Little Dragonfly That Made Me Cry And Thaw

Funny...A Friend Just Made Me Cry And It Felt So Healing

Thank You Friend
I Love You
Zen

Cleaning House

Not everyone has to STOP suddenly what they were always doing and figure out how to get well naturally. It takes a certain amount of WILL. Determination which I never have lacked and of course positivity. If I seem like I am isolating, I am. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I am in SURVIVAL MODE. I must turn my anger into something positive. I must carry my burden alone until I can come to a stable phase. Some call it selfish or self-absorbed..I call it trying to find a way to live. Safely and with less discomfort. I am TIRED of explaining my illness and exhausted of talking about it...I just want my life back but it has me by the balls.
Most people just take pills and don't stop the behaviors that cause them to become ill. I was one. I took a med for sleep/anxiety. Now I can't. I drank sometimes. Now I can't.
I must rebuild and detox my body day by day.
Not for the squeamish. I want my friends around me badly but right now i am too unstable. I must learn to sleep w/out pills and get through withdrawal.
Needy is my middle name....but strong nevertheless.
Let anger be my guide out of this well.
I've wasted too much time on astrology...
Dirt Buster

Me...

I'm in deep water bailing...but I do know that someone told me that I had to do it alone...at that time i was angry and upset..but he was right....i can't let my ship bring another down...
so I will be learning how to live w/my disability alone in solitude and in cold turkey from klonopin which will be hell starting tonight...and I will get my strength from the love that I know is out there for me but that I can't hang onto because i would take you down with me.
I love you all...
Selfish Sunami

The Birth Of The Mind IsThe Death Of The Senses

An infant is in the Garden Of Eden where everything is sensed directly without veils of thought-free of beliefs, interpretation and judgement. Humans fell from grace when they began thinking- became namers and knowers. What you enjoyed as a child can be yours again!

When Given No Choice But The Obvious

What does a Warrior do when given only one choice?
Accept the task ahead as a lesson?
Upon reinstatement of meication suffered almost anaphalactic reaction so....
It looks like it's back to cold turkey.
The Only Way Out Is Through.
I must eat correctly fruit and whole grains and juices frshly prepared with kale for calcium, exercise, breathe, meditate, drink calming chamomile tea, maybe take a few puffs, BREATHE very slowly in and out as if I wouldnt move a leaf with my breath.
ACCEPT the challenge. No stimulants, alcohol, sugar, stress, pressure....only classical and jazz music.
If anyone out there cares and has any advice for me please comment at this time. If I don't keep calm my MCS will flare.
I have tried this and only lasted 8 days...
I need all the help I can get...
Love,
Warrior in Progress
Sunami

Today Becomes The Knight...

Today was gewt. Got some thaings done...SLOWLY..i might add...book I'm reading is vastly excellent the Peaceful Warrior..After I am done I will READ IT AGAIN....for if I have fogotten or missed a lesson I want to relearn it...my brain is mush....eyes all dry and squinty...kunta kinte...

getting mah cocoon red-eye...took my DOSE cut 10% insted of 5% as the muscle burning is KNOT fun(allergy to it)..but better than WD. I am yust a hi-strung gurl that needs a bit o sumptin'...maybe some day i wont need a thing...i don't really want anything other than to feel good....again.

Sew had a visit from my friend Jeff..i agave him a bag o allergy meds and stuff...

I have emptied out my cabinets and give all my stuff away....

Jeff continues to attempt to you know..I have been rejecting him for lessee going on 10 years....

Please remove your hands off my hips or you will be missing your two front teeth soon...ahem

He thinks because he has no hair and i have no teeth (soon) we make a great couple....

LOL...i just don't think of him in that whey....i'm too tahd...as my friend socko would say.

My neighbor took my compost bin over to his home so it wont smell here...ewwww

I'm not making sense so I'm goink ta bed...each day pray for peace and happy....

Some day I may even laugh again....or even play drumz! We shall see!

Nothing prophetic here......juss regular stuff...

Bug In A Rug...

Developing The Will

There is no such thing as a bad habit. Any unconscious compulsive ritual is a problem.
But specific activities --smoking, drinking, drugs, sweets, or asking dumb questions--are both bad and good: every action has its price, and its pleasures. Recognizing both sides, you become realistic and responsible for your actions. And only then can you make the warrior's free and conscious choice--to do or not to do.
When you sit, sit: when you stand, stand; whatever you do, don't wobble. Once you make your choice, do so with all your spirit. It's better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to timidly avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. Responsibility means recognizing both pleasure and price, action and consequence, then making a choice.
Excerpt from way Of the Peaceful Warrior that struck me today...
as I make my choices and live the consequences...and learn.
Today is Solitudinous

Back To The Original Plan

Klonopin slow 5% taper every two weeks....badabing
This will take awhile but i won't go nuts...just have muscle pain.
Very tired taking .5mg at 3am so cutting 1ml tonight...
The Turtle Will Win the Race

Anger Is A Powerful Tool To Transform Old Habits

"Nothing wrong with anger or any other emotion. Just pay attention to how you behave.
Fear and sorrow inhibit action: anger generates it. When you learn to make proper use of your anger, you can change fear and sorrow to anger, then turn anger to action. That's the body's secret of internal alchemy. To rid yourself of old patterns, focus all your energy not on struggling with the old, but on building the new."
Dan Millman

Insecurity and Disconnection

Your Horoscope for JUNE 16, 2007
Insecurity may be something you'll have to handle today, Suzy. This can be even more so if there have been significant changes in your environment recently. On top of this, the increased pressures at work may have strained your nerves a little. Consider seeking out companionship with those that can help you to feel better. A warm hug or some soothing reassurances may be all you need to get back on track. Consider giving yourself some time to adjust to everything that's been happening.

I have finally through Clean Living and eating managed to calm my body down and clear it.
I had to reinstate the damn klonopin to .5 again as my CNS could not handle the rapid CT withdrawal.
They told me I had to do it slow but did I listen? I did try but thought I could do it.
It was a nightmare someone w/MCS could not handle as it caused my body to attack.
So here I am weak and shaky like a foal trying to do little things outside and then rest.
It's quiet and I'm not used to it. So I must get used to it. It has to be a lesson.
The CNS cannot handle stress or pressure or shouting or barking...NOISE! during a Cold Turkey WD.
I tried to tell everybody what I was going through to warn them If i was "off."
It's okay. The only thing I can do is get well, rest...read....miss my friends....kiss my dog.
Look at houses monday and keep on truckin'.
I feel lonely and unloved but I must get used to solitude. I always feel like i should be doing something.
Workaholic Type A. Guilty if I get nothing done. But i did do a few things just slower and more out of breath.
Back on Track...the sidetrack track.....until I can get back on the horse of life.
I'm talking to myself here but I will call Sallie Bones soon.
Love Sunami

Fear

Fear is really empty. It appears great, it appears powerful, it may appear impossible to face or overcome. But fear is an illusion, a deception, that hurts and hinders us in so many ways in our lives. There's two kinds of fear. There's real, rational fear. The kind of fear that says "don't play in traffic" or "don't annoy venomous reptiles." It's a common sense kind of fear. It's recognizing a potential danger and anticipating a specific negative outcome. Don't play in traffic because you might get hit by a car. Don't annoy venomous reptiles because they might bite or sting you. The other kind of fear is much more vague and looming. It's the kind of fear that says "something bad will happen to me, somewhere at some time" or "if I tell the truth, I might lose my friend." It's an irrational, paralyzing kind of fear. It prevents you from moving forward in life, it hinders you from doing what's right. Sure, something bad might happen to you, but something good could happen to. Telling the truth might be difficult, but real friends will respect that. Fear says you're doomed to be lonely, poor, weak, powerless, empty, rejected, unwanted, unloved, or something like that. Fear says you're not good enough, fear says you can't handle it, fear says it will never work out well. Fear gets most of its power from the fact that it "might" be true. And often, if someone believes in their fear too strongly, it just might come true after all. Expectations and self-fulfilling prophecies are powerful in influencing what does or doesn't happen in our lives. The problem is, often fear isn't based on truth at all. But for some reason, we believe it as if it were true. Thus it gets its power over us. And it prevents us from moving forward in our lives. It paralyzes us, restricts us, limits us. In short, fear steals our freedom from us. The good news is, it doesn't have to. Fear gets all of its power from us. It only lasts for as long as we choose to believe in its deceptively false truth. It distorts our perception of reality, causing us to anticipate something bad or negative to happen. But once we choose to perceive another version of reality, where we expect good things to happen, fear begins to weaken. Once we decide to do what we need to do, even if the worst happens anyway, fear begins to weaken. Fear only really loses its power over us in one way. The moment we face our fears, it has lost all power over us. The fear rapidly dissolves away and we enter into a newfound freedom. Facing fear empowers us. The thought of facing our fears may seem incredibly frightening or difficult. That's only part of the deception. Fear only keeps its power as long as you believe in it and allow it to overpower you. Fear will hold its clutching grip over you for as long as it can. But the very moment you decide to face that fear--whatever it is--you have reclaimed that power as your own. Instantly, fear becomes powerless, and you have freed yourself from your own mental/emotional prison. Anyone can face and overcome any fears they have. It may seem difficult or even impossible at first. Remember, that's only the illusion. Face the fear. Choose to move through it. And you will overcome it. For someone who's hid or ran from their fears most of their life, it's recommended to start with the smaller fears. They appear easier to face and overcome. Start with something small, simple, and relatively easy. Choose to face the fear. Choose to deal with whatever consequences or outcomes may come from it. Remember, some fears are good and healthy. But they are specific and clear. "If I do this...that will happen." Such as, "If I eat poison, I will probably die." Listen to and respect those fears. They're rational and trustworthy. The fears you should face are less clear or specific. Such as, "If I try to follow my dreams, I might fail. What if I don't have what it takes?" Or something like "I might be rejected if I tell this person how I feel about them." The truth is, you might fail or you might succeed. You might be rejected or the person might share mutual feelings with you. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of making choices that could impact your future. Your choices might work in your favor, they might not. If they don't, take it as an opportunity to learn and grow in life. Perhaps you could share your mistake with others, so they could learn and grow from it too! Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of following your heart. It might lead to disappointment and failure. Then again, it might lead you to a self-actualized, fulfilling life. Either way, you can learn and grow from the experience. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of how others might think of you. People are constantly sharing their thoughts and opinions of each other. If people were as generous with their time and money as they were with their opinions, this world would be a much better place. But the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter what their opinion of you is. Your opinion of you matters. And most likely, those same people will be too busy judging and critiquing others soon enough, and forget all about their assessment of you. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. Fear has no place or purpose in your life. The fear that paralyzes and blinds you. It's trying to prevent you from having the most complete, fulfilling, meaningful life possible. Facing your fears won't always bring about positive outcomes. Know this in advance. Sometimes bad stuff will happen. But that's okay. You can learn and grow from everything, good or bad. The good new is, sometimes good stuff will happen too. But you won't experience any of it if you allow fear to keep you trapped in your own mental/emotional prison, forever asking yourself "what if". Be free. Face your fears
From A Friend About Fear

Extracting Info From Sally

This is gonna take alot of phone calls....Sally is into God and religion and I have to let her go off...out of respect for her sharing her knowledge and experience with me. I just started a notebook.

Thank God I cancelled that dentist appt. She said he would kill me. I have to now go to a Holistic Dentist in Colchester...Dr Liscio so i don't get dead. Luckily I spoke to him this morning. He was very nice. Most people who have environmental sensitivities "Get It". So I gave the dog a treat and I am feeling more hopeful. There is a place to get meat in Rochester and also in So. Royalton. Now to find money. As these places do not take foodstamps.

So many challenges. It's like going to MCS school. Learning how to live safely with this. There is a homeopathic remedy called petroleum that I must get so that I can desensitize before coming near fumage. This ia all going to take time. I am learning patience. Listening.

My life depends on it....no better reason, eh?

If I seem preoccupied just know that I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU but this is my BBC.

Total focus required. Serenity. No volatility at all to calm frayed singed nerve endings. No yo-yoing friends with my illness---I am learning this now by learning how to ride the attacks out alone without calling anyone. It is hard I find myself calling out for God when I never believed.

Total Calm