Fear Of Other's Anger And Rejection/Abandonment

As a child I was brought up in a very volatile, abusive and traumatic atmosphere. One fraught with panic and fear. My mom made a huge mistake in parenting me by making me her confidante and friend and making me responsible for how she felt and involving me as referee between her and my brother or father. Also my grandmother. Taking from me my childhood and turning me into a mini-adult. Thus I lived in fear of her being angry at me and spent my entire childhood trying to make everything okay. If she was in a rage state I was responsible for calming her down, her fury, her tears and acts of violence...I lived as a human yo-yo. If she was mad at me I felt sick to my stomach and would do anything to make her "Not Mad." I learned that pleasing others and taking care of them was far more important than pleasing me because if I did this they would "LIKE ME". I still get upset if someone is angry with me or shuts me out. I feel like such a child when this happens. I am supposed to not allow this to affect me so. But it still does. The home was like a vesuvius waiting to erupt at all times. Thus my anxiety disorder.

I also need to Control my environment to be safe for me in order to relax. I have made my home my safe place. With my stuff and pets. I lock my door when i go to bed now which is something I started to do when i was in a relationship last summer so noone would bother us. I haven't stopped doing it. I'm not sure where that fear is coming from. Maybe it is a boundary like unplugging my phone at 10. That time is mine. This space is mine. I don't share my space with just anyone.

I've got loads of trust issues festering in me. I was molested by dad so I suppose I don't trust men. I don't hate men...I love them but I don't seem to trust many of them even if they seem to be trustworthy. There is always a shred of fear within me. I don't want to be abused again. I listen deeply with pricked ears to what people say and write especially when they don't realize it. There I find hidden nuggets. If I don't feel I can stay at someones home and leave my purse open w/my meds and cash/credit cards or my keys in my truck because someone there is untrustworthy..I just don't go there anymore. I have to be able to rest without paranoia that my things will be rifled through or stolen. This is why I live alone. The last roomate i took in was stealing my food while i slept. I caught her at the door with a bag. That was a fun morning. My harmonica was also stolen.

My dad was very sadisitic so that trait especially brings me back to the pain and since my brother was cruel if I feel someone is "making fun of something about me that I find not funny"...I also pull back. Like if someone makes light of my disability because they haven't experienced what I do when I "explode" under my skin and feel that I am making a big deal out of it as they can't see anything. It IS a big deal.
It is a very scary and excruciatingly painful and life-threatening allergic reaction to a toxin. It is nothing to laugh at. It is not going to "go away" and I must be vigilant of everything. I am buying 1/2 a real pig soon and a hand held monitor to check my food. The next time and every time I am exposed to the same allergen (free glutamic acid or phosphates/sulfates) the attack will get larger and larger until I just will have my heart stop or lungs stop working or throat close up.

So fear is an overriding topic in my life. Learning to live with this disability and push away the fear is an ongoing issue. Ya know what keeps me alive? Those that don't own pets would not understand this. My Dog! He is like my child-my best friend. I am his mommy. I do not leave him for more than a night. Unless he is with my family. Then I can not worry. He cannot be loose overnight nor can he be left inside so Mommy always has to come home unless he comes with her. That's the way it is with us two. We're a team. He holds my hand when I am sooo ill...he gets me through every massive attack. He gives me a reason to keep on truckin'. I don't wanna even think about the day he is gone. He is 7. We have at least 7 glorious more years to be happy together. His unconditonal love keeps mommy calm and keeps mommy trying to get well so we can go hiking this week. This week we start walking. I made a promise to myself and Angus. This week we beging walking.

Any way it will be a while before I trust fully I think. Feel that i can fall back and someone really will have my back. I also hate being controlled. Ugh-absolutely hate it. I'm way too independent. I've discovered that a need for control is often operating in women who go with younger men or men who go with younger women such as my ex. He always went for women 12-15 year younger. I wasn't aware of the reason until lately. I though it was just the Trophy image.
Well I've babbled far too long. There is work to be done here. The fear of abandonment and rejection is very much alive in many of us. It hurts to be rejected. Shut off. But I must learn not to take it personally and not look back. This is difficult for me. This is an isolation phase with me until my self-confidance comes back to town.

Just another sunday in Vermoont.....goink to a pig farm later in Clarendon to meet the piggly wigglies and the man that raises them and cuts trees too.....double doobie...
Queen Of Verbal Vomit