How I'm Feeling Today

This just about captures how I am feeling physically today...and maybe mentally.
I'm admitting to some thngs here because I need to....despite the pain and discomfort I am having right now because ot yet another allergic attack (HUGE) I'm going to blog it out...
I'm going to admit to a certain amount of paranoia since I quit drinking and tapered my meds too fast as per the Ashton groups instructions....
I know this man who I absolutely adore....went through some tough scary times with his drug withdrawal and alcoholism last year....did NOT understand his mania when he called me over and over....freaking out as he had to STOP cold turkey all his meds for lack of medical assistance and transportation....he got pretty ugly on the phone and it scared me..but I continued to love him even though my friends (and even his) after hearing the messages told me to flee....for some reason I understood him...we had some kind of common bond....maybe a dysfunctional one but nevertheless something akin to similar childhood experience thus leaving us as the walking wounded in a way. I ended up leaving him last summer because his son was problematic and his problems were massive and I was getting sicker. I also was struggling to quit drinking and not doing so good. I ended up revisiting a relationship that had been purely physical....probably a big mistake as it was love addiction with a really difficult unemotional man and the only place we related was in the sack. I don't know where I found the courage to say goodbye to him when I was so needy because I loved him but I did. He loved the healthy me mask and I was getting sicker. It took a lot out of me. For months. Anyway, now I am tres ill. I can't describe the feeling of being allergic to the world. The anxiety. The pain. The lonliness. The way the malady alienates others. I'm rambling because I am amidst an attack. Trapped in the pain. Writing to ease it. Where was I?
This other man became my friend. We related in ways I cannot describe. Unfortunately during one of our "bad times" where I was very ill and went over and above "all by myself" to help him and thus made myself sick....I got angry at myself and took it out on him. It was my choice to help. I don't know how to say no so I did. At that time one of his exes contacted me and began telling me stories of their life together...all pretty scary. I listened and didn't want to belive it all. But she had imprinted these stories in my brain. I became paranoid as she told me he "might hurt me" and I had these plants. I had nurtured them for months. They were just starting to bud. He and I were fighting and she made me think maybe he would get mad enough to turn me pr come here and maybebe violent so I with tears running down my face...tore the plants apart. Dried them. Killed them! To a gardener there is nothing more horrid than killing a plant you lovingly raised from a seed. This was because of her making me fearful. I never told him this. I got paranoid. Panicky.
My illness was flaring and I was so mentally stressed that I did this. I had trust issues with men already and she planted the seed of mistrust in a head that was already unsure of some truths.
Sometimes people lie when they feel that it will protect them. I am guilty. He had..I had caught him many times. Some times he never even was aware of as he was in his own nightmare of addiction. Lies to cover lies often happens with that sort of state. I didn't know who's story was right? Anyway, to make a long story short....I allowed myself to be scared of loving him because I had PTSD and was scared of any violence or more stress in my life even though he had never been that way with me and he calmed me like no other. I allowed myself to believe what I had heard. Out of fear. Paranoia. Illness.
Then last week I stumbled upon her emails as I was looking for something else. I reread them.
It scared me again. Even after he he just been here in all his awesomeness. When I hugged him it felt like a transfusion. He had always been the light of my life. His emails..his letters. His friendship.
I am crying now as I realize that I made a big mistake by listening to an aggrieved ex. I let her experience with him cloud mine. My horoscope says I am in love. Through all my illness and pain and discomfort I see that THIS MAN is worth starving and living on water and rice for so that i do NOT get ill..going thru acute drug withdrawal....because when I am with him I am pacific and happy. Not all tied up in knots. Will he forgive me? That's up to him.
I can only pray to buddha today as i cry and ask it.
So as i suffer through the darkness into the light allow me to humble myself by saying yes...
I love this man...I have wronged him..in my distrust....in many ways.
I don't really know where to go from here....
I know that my disability is horrid. I have no port in the storm.
I need to cold turkey tonight and please give me the strength to get through it.
This man, Eric, is very upset with me for venting my illness frustration on him.
He needs to be quiet with it. I know this. I need to make myself well alone.
In silence and pain we will become more humble together and learn to love.....
I find myself today realizing I don't want to change one goddamn thing about him...
Because he is perfect the way he is....he's just different like me.....
But he has evolved more and better than I.....because he had that in him and i did not...
I was still too shallow so God took my teeth...not my eyes.....my teeth...
now he takes my health.....to teach me? to punish me for my transgressions?
My loss of faith in this man....this gentle giant of a man....this calming angel...because of fear I lost my best friend....
He did the BEST he could..I did knot....
The tears I cry are for loss...
There is darkness in my heart today...
I need to let it out....somehow...
The Abused Becomes The Abuser





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