Needing Silence To Hear

I can only HOPE.
I can only be silent with myself and my pets. I have been on the brink of giving up and in the maelstrom of despair lashing out at loved ones. A soft word turns away wrath: but a harsh word stirs up anger. My mind has not been itself as of late. I believe I have to LOSE my mind to FIND my mind. Same with my health. I have had to stop eating and exist on juiced vegetables and bites of fruit. There is a reason for everything. A man told me awhile back I wasn't ready to learn. I challenged him. Won his heart at last. He was right ultimately. I was stuck with my own ILLUSIONS. What a man should do if he loved you. Instead of what he WAS DOING. I'm just an old fool. He spurned my gifts and I didn't understand him. Appreciate him. I gave back his because I felt odd sharing it with his daughter. A camera. I see now that the gifts people give us are what they CAN give not necesarily what we need at the time. Anyway, since God struck me down and took everything away I have been so angry. My life was going out of control and the pain has been excruciating. Pain must be used however. Pain must be my guide to find where I need to be.
My edges got so sharp as the pain and discomfort increased. I could not think straight and right now I am not thinking well through the pain. My body can't keep up anymore and I am frustrated..in survival mode having to fight or be devoured. I have been lashing out at friends unconsciously as my brain and central nervous sytem went down with chemical injury. When the body fails so do the emotions. I feel dead..at the core and at the edges. I cry for my losses...I can't eat..I can't work now....I can't figure out how to help my body naturally still. All the doctors are not helping and some made me worse. Everything I try makes me sicker. I have truly wanted to give up the fight. I find myself staggering around in a fog hanging onto my dog for dear life. Everyone is about their life busy and I know they don't understand what is happening to me. I don't even. They keep saying get a job and I roll my eyes as I guess the don't understand that I cannot work. I know they think the stimilation or work would help me but i am afraid of the exposures and losing my check. I am in drug withdrawal that I do know. It hits around eight pm. I have been cantankerous and crabby and needy wanting so badly for someone to walk into my life and save me and if they walk in and don't save me i have felt anger. The last hug I had was from my friend Eric (who is mad at me right now for just putting my damn foot in my mouth writing when i couldnt even think and not making any sense. The sense I made made no sense to him and hurt him.) I have been feling extremely sorry for myself and as i watch the weight drop off SCARED of how thin I can get before I disappear or die here alone in the house. I keep myself moving mostly for my pets because they NEED me to live. I NEED them as well. I lost my joy. I want it back. I'm still angry but it is less today. Bruised and jangled emotions. Electric shocks rewiring my brain. I want Suzy back. Please give me Suzy back.
If I am quick to REACT and say something to a friend when my brain has been injured by an attack, or act a little short or testy because of the pain and fear...a wall goes up between us. Nothing happens then but we both lose our joy. Do you hear me Randolph? Things said in a soft way, not charp and cutting, can turn away tension. Everything sounds like a sharp BARK to me lately...I must be the reason for their bark...or their silence. I am hurting and I must turn this hurt over to God and ask him to put a new song in my mouth.
I have seen others..in particular a paralyzed woman....who writes with a stick who seems to keep a peaceful spirit despite illness. Why can't i do that? Maybe I need some help..some TLC to revive me. I don't know where to turn. Fear stops me every time. The money has finally run out. They say that the task ahed of us is not as great as the power behind us. Can I do this?
I will try. Two weeks loom before food stamps with very little here I can eat.
I will go to see the red poppy out back. It is huge. Maybe it will put my song back.
Love Sunami Frayed