I Guess I Really Do Have PTSD

Welcome To MY Nightmare!

After a friend threatened to commit suicide with a shotgun two days ago my body, as soon as I was aware of the crises, went into high adrenaline panic mode. I immediately got phone numbers for the area Suicide Hotline. I am very resourceful especially under pressure. Two men in my life had done the same and I had run to them both and made phone calls to try to desperately help avert the actions. Bit me in the ass of course. Anyway, my dad had a shotgun and played russian roulette with my head and moms as a small child so last night I had this horrid nightmare that my dad was going to blow his head off and told everyone. The school circulated a card for me which an ex-boyfriend Tom Spidey(one of the suicide guys from my past) signed with a spider web and a suggestion that I include his girlfriend Helen in my circle of frendz? (dreamz are weird) and I was crying uncontrollably through this all as I did at my dad's post-funeral "Party?" when I locked myself in my room out of anger that people could actually EAT when someone had died. I guess, in the dream, my mom, brother and I drove to where dad was and watched him blow his face off...it was hanging off as he crossed the street and got a bottle of booze to drink as he walked around like a mannequin with no face. I awoke to this at 5:30 a.m. I guess it was from the friends suicide call mixed with benzodiazepine tapering and some interpersonal confusion. Maybe that afternoon jolt of java in Rutland. At any rate...I guess I do have PTSD because as soon as something DRAMATIC happens that scares me I get all wound up and stressed out. Especially if it contains a reference to a gun or a person hurting themself or I hear a plane going overhead (a friend fell skydiving to his death in 1994). Just my morning folks....
Anxious Now And Zen