Tone Down My Anger

Tears welling up in her eyes,
My heart saddens,
Tears running down her cheek,
My heart aches,
Tears streaming down her face,
My heart breaks,
Tears, tears why so many tears?

Why? My life as I knew it has been taken from me. I am angry and depressed. Fear is jabbing a knife through my chest as if I did something wrong to deserve this infirmity that blocks me out from the whirled. I do not know how to live with this disability any longer. Every morning I wake up with various parts of me swollen with fluid and have to figure out what it could have been. I can no longer even brush my teeth with anything but salt. Why is this happening to me?

All the things I used to find joy in I can no longer do...gardening...mtn biking...hiking....dancing. If I do I suffer. So I hesitate and stay stuck in fear. Tone down my anger the horoscope says. I didn't realize how angry I was at this stupid disability. Have I taken it out on my loved ones? I don't know. I have spoken my truth from the heart having nothing to do with the disability. Should I accept less just because I am disabled?

Am I unworthy because of it? At times I feel this way but I fight it. On my good days you wouldn't even think anything was wrong. On my bad days...I must isolate.

I knew a woman once that had this and I was starting to get it but I was not quite full blown as she was. I could not understand her looking everything she put in her mouth up especially when she had to enter a hospital. Now I get it because I have to do it. Funny how people try to teach you things and you are not ready. Then the lessons come back and the actions she took sound so familiar. The fear and anger she had I understand it. The isolation. She had alienated just about everyone as the severity of her sensitivities were such that anyone that got near her with a fragrance set her up for days of muscle spasms and fibromyalgia. Brain fog. She only ordered organic meats and poultry and had them delivered and could barely drive. She made everything from scratch and tested everything one by one. She was very religious and that part got me. She said I had to be saved because the end was coming and only the saved would not go to hell. I guess she hung onto this God as the only one who loved her through the terrible attacks.

I'm at a loss. I want desperately to hang onto someone through the rough waters but I can't bring them under. Why does it seem like since I stopped drinking my disability got worse? How could the alcohol mask it? When it was an allergen. I'll never know. I thought if I quit I would get somewhat better so I'm angry that this is not the case. I see now why my grandmother spent all her time single as she had severe issues like me and most probably had a similar thing that was undiagnosed. She just suffered.

My friend Eric says I can be hurtful when I am feeling vulnerable and confused. For that I am sorry. I suppose he understands what it is like to lose things. His leg keeps him in pain and keeps him from living the life he must have wanted. It is tough not feeling sorry for yourself when you lose so much and don't know how to survive.

So we isolate. Wondering if there is Love that will come to us. Or is that a thing of the past?

I don't have the answers because I do not know anyone else with "What I Have."

Maybe I could ask them how they live without love?

I sure don't know how.

Sunami's Verbal Vomit For The Morning